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    BITTER ARIES...

    Go Back  The Oracle of Bitter Truth for April 2002    Go Forward
    Greetings, you twerps of the rambunctious persuasion! May you be the greatest of April fools! Life could not be more beautiful for you since last month. Your career is in bloom as your creative powers reach an unprecedented peak! Your love life is in flower as your newfound partner looks upon you and all of your faults with a blindness that could come only from true love, or perhaps a mental condition that is beyond the reach of clinical diagnosis. The great Sol Invicti blazes in your sign, as do Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess. What could go wrong for the odious ram type thing? Obviously almost anything if it bears the hallmark of your futile endeavours! So, ill-tempered redheads! Shall we catalogue the self-imposed ills that are soon to befall you? Why not! In a benighted universe ruled by insane gods, I have nothing better to do. Hark to me, rulers of the headache, the brain disease and the skin blemish! I hereby prognosticate, rendering the vile and bitter truth for awful April.

    Venus the goddess enters Taurus and your solar second house as proceedings get underway. With Mercury the messenger moving into tension with giant Jupiter in Cancer as the great Sol Invicti moves out of it, you spend extravagantly on home improvement. Thus it is that you will swallow the anticipated profits from the sale of the book of fatuous ovine idylls you wrote last month, filling your house with garish ornaments while repainting all the interiors in 'fire engine' red. As the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger conjoin in harmony with underworld Pluto, you proclaim yourself as the 'pastoral prophet' and begin organizing a parade in your honour. However, soon after this self-proclaimed triumph, Venus the goddess moves into tension with mystic Neptune and your friends (both of them) refuse to join in the parade, claiming they can't bear to come to your home because of your appalling new colour scheme. Your new partner decides to leave for the same reason. As mighty Mars then tests out revolutionary Uranus, you physically assault several bank employees, a service station attendant, a gun-maker and a faith-healer when you find that no one will cash a cheque for you anymore, your accounts being frozen by the bank after the cost of all your renovations.

    Come the NEW MOON in your sign and you're asking friends and anyone you meet for some help to get you through this difficult time. Oddly, they all refuse. But, as Mercury then moves into Taurus and mighty Mars into Gemini, more bills arrive so you get into your red Ferrari and drive around really fast in the hope that your problems will go away. For some strange reason, this plan doesn't work. So, when Mercury then squares mystic Neptune, you mark all your mail 'not known at this address' and send it back to the post office. However, it all comes straight back to you so that when Lady Moon and giant Jupiter conjoin to oppose Chiron, you have a tantrum, visit your therapist and blame all your problems on your poor relationship with your father. However, as your therapist falls asleep while you're complaining, you have another tantrum and go home, refusing to pay yet another bill. The great Sol Invicti moves into Taurus and you decide to get a job, as you can't seem to solve this problem any of your usual methods. Venus the goddess then squares revolutionary Uranus and moves into Gemini so you end up getting a job with the printing firm that's producing your book of ovine idylls. This is called irony, I believe, and it doesn't pay very much either, as I can testify.

    With the FULL MOON in Scorpio and your solar eighth house, making a square with mystic Neptune, you try embezzling money from friends, but that doesn't work. But, all is not lost! As Mercury wrestles with revolutionary Uranus, you have a startling idea as to how you can recoup your losses and forge ahead. However, I'm far too bored to tell you what it is now. Click here next month and I'll see if I can be bothered to tell you.


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    Aries, the Ram
    Aries, the Ram

    Taurus, the Bull
    Taurus, the Bull

    Gemini, the Twins
    Gemini, the Twins

    Cancer, the Crab
    Cancer, the Crab

    Leo, the Lion
    Leo, the Lion

    Virgo, the Virgin
    Virgo, the Virgin

    Libra, the Scales
    Libra, the Scales

    Scorpio, the Scorpion
    Scorpio, the Scorpion

    Sagittarius, the Archer
    Sagittarius, the Archer

    Capricorn, the Sea Goat
    Capricorn, the Sea Goat

    Aquarius, the Water Bearer
    Aquarius, the Water Bearer

    Pisces, the Fishes
    Pisces, the Fishes

     
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