- Gadzooks, little nitwits of the nipper! It's time to address you personally. In a vile manner! In a bitter manner! In fact, in the manner of one who prognosticates! And I am certainly such a one as that! For I am the great prognosticator, Asperitus! Behold me and tremble, puling seafood ninnies! I spew my vile and bitters in your general direction.
Last time we left you, matters were at a pretty pass, as they so often are in the appointed span of your miserable lives. There was menace at the gates of your new offshore estate, where you had moved yourself (sigh), your family and relatives (ugh), your workers (yuck) and the entire enterprise of the pegs of devotion and despite (hooray). This, you will know if you have kept up with recent forecasts, is the latest scheme you have devised to net you the millions that will make you safe from the intrusions of a heartless, brainless world. And, to date, it has been so successful you have become the guru of the simple life and the Rasputin of the rinse cycle as you sell your products to rival buyers in what is now a cult war of good and evil or devotion and despite in this case.
As marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus, menace turns to open riot. Voices are raised against the evil maker of the pegs of despite and you're ready to phone your connections in the military of this island kingdom and have them call out the troops. A few helicopter gun ships should do the trick! But the great Sol Invicti clashes with mischievous Mercury and other voices are then raised.
'Nay,' they cry. 'This one is the maker of the pegs of devotion. Stand back from the gates!' As ghastly planets fart and dance in nasty aspect, your problem solves itself. The rioters turn their attention to each other, using insults (concerning parentage, looks and sexuality), fisticuffs and the heavy or sharp items that come readily to hand. By the New Moon in loathsome Libra that brings a Solar Eclipse to your house of home and family, the police have arrested and carted off the last of the rioters, leaving no evidence of their presence other than a fetching red tinge to the clay bricks of your driveway. Hmm!
As mischievous Mercury moves to Scorpio, you call the landscapers in and have the job properly completed. Then vamping Venus clashes with underworld Pluto and you put these troubles behind you. You set out on a tour of the workers' shanties. At least in this climate you didn't have to go to the trouble of putting walls in, thus you can see what they are up to at all times. Your intent is to maintain order and chastise any that may have picked up improper notions from the unfortunate disturbance at the gate. As miserable Saturn clashes with the great Sol Invicti, the punishments you must mete out are quite depressing, especially when you relay them in detail to your family members as an object lesson with regard to what will occur should they themselves fall into error.
As the great Sol Invicti enters gloomy Scorpio and mischievous Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune, you decide to implement a new regime for the workers. This will consist of bondage and sexual torture, providing suitable punishment for the offender and proper recreation for a rostered list of workers to be rewarded for exceptional effort by being permitted to assist with administering the sentences.
By the Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse in cloddish Taurus, you find yourself at your ease in your tropical paradise. Your goals are achieved, though friendship is strangely absent for no one will speak to you or come near you as they find you frightening. You idly consider this as you order a thrashing for yet another recalcitrant underling. This time, since marauding Mars clashes with cranky Chiron, it is a male member of your family, but then it's proper to set a good example. Though the night is only slightly chill, a small fire burns in the grate. You idly scratch the neck of your favourite hound. Vamping Venus grinds her lustful thighs into loathsome Libra and you have the staff bring a suitable prospect from the workers' shanties to be bathed and prepared for your delectation. Ah the burdens of being a mighty ruler over the lives of many! It is Saturn that has made you cruel, masterful and successful, my little crustacean ninnies! But will the god of misery, old age, illness and contraction also be your downfall? You hold in your left hand a peg of despite and one of devotion in your right, weighing them up. It's Halloween, my tiny nipper folk! Is it time for the old devil to come out and play? Click here next month and see. Ta! Ta!