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    CAUSTIC CAPRICORN...

    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of August 2003    Go Forward
    Salutations, miserable goatish types! Welcome to awful August and the vile and bitter prognostications thereof!

    Last month, while testing the bladders and bowels of your odious (and probably by now odiferous) relatives, you hit upon a scheme to make you a fortune, disillusioned as you were with the economic possibilities of poetry and a love of nature. Thus, as you read these lines, the first of your 'pay to get out' toilet blocks will be opening locally while the Swiss venture is clearly yodelling ahead. And, in addition to that, your relatives are now contorted into postures that defy the barriers of age, incapacity and, indeed, the very nature of the human form. Fortunately, the security cameras you installed continue to capture every agonizing and delirious moment, thus providing you with endless personal amusement and a wealth of material for blackmail opportunities, should the need arise.

    As the great Sol Invicti clashes with nasty Neptune, your new company positions itself in the market place and begins to trade. As Mercury the messenger clashes with mighty Mars, you decide to flag the blackmail option and start a profitable sideline by selling footage of the pain-wracked relatives as a reality TV show. Venus the goddess opposes nasty Neptune and a morally bankrupt but economically wealthy investor class pours money into your venture.

    The Full Moon comes in imbecile Aquarius and your fortunes are remade. Mercury the messenger clashes with underworld Pluto and the reality show goes global. A gathering of nitwit planets infests your solar eighth house and you're back in the big time, wheeling and dealing and working all the hours that god sends to turn more into even more.

    As Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti move into irritating Virgo, you're struck with inspiration. You begin to audition candidates for a variant on the reality extravaganza with your inconvenienced relatives, most of whom are now either truly penitent or hospitalized by the way. This new show involves filming people unable to go to the toilet, thus capturing their sufferings for the delight of a global audience. What clever little goatish things you are! And to think that all it takes to make a fortune is the realization that most people have nothing better to do than to watch such a show or, what's worse, want to be in it. Sometimes I think life is a more tragic affair than even I imagine it to be! Ugh! That is a vile and bitter thought!

    Come the New Moon in asinine Virgo, joined there by jolly Jupiter, there is no holding you. You're the uncrowned monarch of reality television, travelling the world and selling your tastefully formatted product in every country. As Mercury the messenger turns retrograde, you hit on yet another idea. Why not install cameras in your 'pay to get out' toilet blocks (they're global by now) and use them for yet another show! Great gods alive and dead, little goatish miseries! Is there no height you cannot climb? Can you do no wrong at all? Click here next month and see!


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    Aries, the Ram
    Aries, the Ram

    Taurus, the Bull
    Taurus, the Bull

    Gemini, the Twins
    Gemini, the Twins

    Cancer, the Crab
    Cancer, the Crab

    Leo, the Lion
    Leo, the Lion

    Virgo, the Virgin
    Virgo, the Virgin

    Libra, the Scales
    Libra, the Scales

    Scorpio, the Scorpion
    Scorpio, the Scorpion

    Sagittarius, the Archer
    Sagittarius, the Archer

    Capricorn, the Sea Goat
    Capricorn, the Sea Goat

    Aquarius, the Water Bearer
    Aquarius, the Water Bearer

    Pisces, the Fishes
    Pisces, the Fishes

     
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