Odds bodkins, mournful ning-nongs! We left you last time in a post-enlightenment phase, contemplating the various joys and woes of spiritual change. Thus did you prepare to set out on a journey back to the civilized world from the lost horizons of Tibet, bearing a message of change from the high council of llamas to the leaders of the world with regard to their naughtiness and unkindly ways. Merciful Heavens and dancing pillars of godhead! It's almost too much to contemplate. You! Setting out to do good in the world, newly armed with the powers that flow from your spiritual awakening! It's almost enough to send a genuinely enlightened being (myself) back to bed for another dose of the little brown bottle and the silver tube.
However, that is a path taken by spiritually feeble persons, whey-brained and faint-hearted! Such a path is not for Asperitus, seer of scathe and haruspex of harangue! The only dose to be given, my little goatish tragedies, is the doom-dealing draught of prognostication, vile and bitter, for the month of jittery January. Open wide, doltish types! Here it comes!
Marauding Mars still crashes and bangs in the sign of Sagittarius and your solar twelfth house, dogging the footsteps of your departure with unforeseen obstacles and hidden enemies. You stumble on stones, slide into slips and tumble headlong into crevasses. And that is only after you've endured another bloody llama dance, with the attendant spitting and kicking! Still, at least you'll have something to drink on the roads of this abominable wasteland, on your way back to civilization. And thus do you toddle merrily (or as close to it as you will ever come) down the road of return.
Vamping Venus and mischievous Mercury move to your sign bringing, if not a tiny chortle to your lips then at least some reduction of the natural grimace ensconced there. And, as the New Moon comes in your miserable sign, you decide it's time to do something about your image. After all, goatish ninnies! If you're to sway the leaders of the world into seeing the error of their ways, you'll have to look presentable and that is not the first word that comes to mind for a description of your current appearance.
Thus do you decide to depart the road for the first Tibetan house of health and beauty you can find. Needless to say, such are few and far between but yet do all things come to those who walk with spirit. Soon you are ensconced within the sheltering walls of Buddhist Makeovers, a humble establishment among the rocky peaks of this mountainous region and there transformed beyond your wildest dreams, though only just above the parameters set by common decency.
As the great Sol Invicti enters idiot Aquarius, you discover to your chagrin you have neither coin nor card to pay the bill for this exotic transformation (you cast them out two months ago, remember). However, it seems llama spittle is a sacred unguent used frequently in the treatments and thus the account is settled amicably with all concerned.
By the Full Moon in loathsome Leo, you tread jauntily upon your chosen path, reeking with sexual allure and wondering just how far two jugs of llama spittle (your change) will take a Goat with neither cash nor credit in the goatish wallet. Mischievous Mercury then moves to idiot Aquarius and you set to bargaining llama spittle for a wagon ride to the nearest airport. At first it seems the bargaining may take longer than the ride itself but soon you are settled in for the next leg of your spiritual mission. Click here next month and see how it will go, my tiny things of stringy beard and knobby knees! Ta! Ta!