Odds bodkins, goatish types! Last time we left, you were confronted in your doorway by a wizened wizard and warty witches. They were from an occult group known by the acronym of WANCA and had come to chastise you for the practice of the black arts with no proper papers from the official licensing body (their own). They were thus set to rebuke you in a sorcerous manner by inflicting immediate death on your person or, at the very least, charging you for outstanding membership fees.
Eek! A fate worse than death for a goatish type, methinks! And all this occurred as you and your new love readied yourselves to renew the campaign for the llama liberation by unleashing another plague upon the world. This fresh outbreak would follow those of the menstrual frogs and flied lice so far inflicted by yourself, armed only with good intent and a staff of magic llama poo. So, my tiny hircine horrors! Prepare to be prognosticated on from a great height and from all conceivable directions (and a few inconceivable ones as well). Behold the month of awful August is come. And I, Asperitus, the hideous haruspex, do hold out the bitter cup from which you and all your puling kind must drink.
Ghastly planets fart in nasty aspect and you stand still in the doorway, wizened wizard and goatish chump, facing one another with the requisite cast of extras littered about the place. Mischievous Mercury grapples in unseemly fashion with narcotic Neptune and a battle of magical wills commences. But what's this? Why, it's cranky Chiron returned to your sign after a sojourn in idiot Aquarius. You have the edge, my tiny lunatics! The wizened wizard begins to wilt beneath the power of your awesome gaze. Your loved one cheers you on. Warty witches witter and wail! It's all quite exciting, if you like that sort of thing. Personally, I'd rather have my teeth removed without an anaesthetic, but there you go!
Come the New Moon in lackwit Leo, you seem to have the situation entirely in hand. Raw power blazes from eyes (yours, of course) that normally are watery and grey. The wilting wizened wizard even mutters about urging the committee to consider waiving the back fees as he slides helplessly to the floor, seeming, in his pitiful condition, to acknowledge your victory. Hoorah! Now, there's a use for occult powers one would not have thought of! As jolly Jupiter lustfully leaps onto the body of the loony South Node while marauding Mars clashes with Mercury in perverse reverse, you shimmer like a great sorcerer from another life, come back to fulfill the destiny of powers, dark and ancient. Eek! What a prepossessing presence you've become!
But what's this? By all the gods, it's a revolting development, at least as far as you're concerned! Mercury, messenger of mischief, now moves forward once again. And, as vamping Venus disports herself in loathsome Libra, you relax your gaze a little so that you may exult in your occult victory before your loved one. As a Full Moon blazes in idiot Aquarius, you go so far as to gloat openly. Thus do the wheels of Heaven turn against goatish fortunes! The great Sol Invicti grinds into anal Virgo (eek) and the wizened wizard throws off his wilting and stands once more erect, with the diabolic assistance of his warty witches, though the means of their erecting him may not be discussed or even contemplated by the sensitive (myself). Once more does marauding Mars clash with the messenger of mischief but this time the tables are turned. You begin to feel weak, my wretched goatish tragedies! Your loved one gasps fearfully, worried for your safety. Warty witches wail with ghastly laughter as the wizened wizard burns the hellish light from his coal black eyes right into you until it sears your very soul.
By all the gods alive and dead, is this the end for you, hircine horrors? Nay! Not by a long horn! Marauding Mars now grapples with narcotic Neptune and you think once more upon all the money that WANCA will claim in back membership fees. Your gorge rises in fury. Eek! How uncomfortable! Your soul shrieks with grim displeasure as you contemplate the giving of money to such folk. You open wide your goatish maw and the fierce hurricane of your miserly rage blasts these contemptible creatures from your doorway, from the hall, from the building and perhaps even from the edge of this world and mortal existence altogether. Who knows! Who cares! Not you! Moses Goat has triumphed again! Your loved one grips you fiercely and you embrace in the knee-trembling throes of magical passion then race out into daylight to unleash another plague upon this naughty world so llamas across the globe will know liberation! And what will this plague be? Click here next time and see, goatish types. In the meantime, hail and farewell!