Ave, my ghastly goatish types! We left you last time in a pickle. Nasty violent persons were attempting to take a piece out of your mangy hides as you hid beneath a recently purchased scarlet chaise-longue in your mater's abode. You had been troubled by truck drivers, castigated by cinema-goers, ill-used by I-pod wearers, pummelled by pedestrians and harangued by hoboes. Egad! How unsettling, unseemly, unsightly and insanitary!
But there is worse to come, I assure you, noxious ninnies, for the vile and bitter prognostications are set to hit the blades of the cosmic cooling device, bringing further malodorous splatter to the lives of all and sundry, your lives included! What will you do, tiny turnips? Will you hold the fort and succumb to a siege? Will you turn the tables on your foe and launch a sudden assault? Or will you beat a retreat, hoping the assembled forces won't harry your rear or perform some equally nasty military manoeuvre?
I raise the dread cup and you must drink deep, execrable cretins! This is the month of manic March! Grim Saturn cavorts obscenely with narcotic Neptune and your fiscal woes continue to continue. And what's this? Ye gods and little fishes, it's the Full Moon in irritating Virgo that brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar ninth house! You have a spiritual crisis and lose faith in organized religion, though it must be said that you have never believed in anything much, other than being depressed and working all the hours that god sends. The great Sol Invicti gropes Uranus, the idiot god, and a pedestrian performs a peculiar saltatory action in the street outside your mater's home before being run over by a water truck, driven by a drunken sailor with secret religious convictions.
As the crowd gathers and mischievous Mercury moves forward, you use the opportunity to flee from under the chaise longue and head for the backstreets. Once on the run, by sheer good fortune, you find money lying on the footpath, shortly after knocking down a child, causing the creature to drop the purse he was carrying. Incidentally, the purse belonged to the child's aged mother and the funds that spilled from it were earned collecting bottle caps and were to pay for a battery for the aged invalid's iron lung. Ah well! How sad! Never mind!
It was marauding Mars that caused this event by thrusting his rudest bit into the nether regions of cranky Chiron so you can blame it on the War God! As vamping Venus slithers lustfully into cloth-eared Taurus, you take these ill-gotten gains to the nearest casino and try to win money and improve your estate. However, as you're still dressed as a tramp, you're thrown back into the streets just as the New Moon in tear-stained Pisces brings a Solar Eclipse to your house of communications. It's all going wrong for you, isn't it, my cretinous creatures! Adding insult to injury, the great Sol Invicti then clatters drunkenly into addlepate Aries, forcing you to return home and put up with scornful derision, screaming rows and appalling personal hygiene that are the hallmark of the hircine family tradition.
It's the Equinox at this point, in case you're interested. I'm not but what can one do! As marauding Mars invades the private parts of narcotic Neptune, you sit in your bedroom, wondering idly if you should spend the money you have on intoxicants. Vamping Venus sleazes her way around cranky Chiron and you then wonder if you should use it to purchase sexual favours.
But, by my sainted aunt, what's this? Great gods alive and dead, it's a startling and miraculous thing that comes as Uranus, the idiot god, comes over all unnecessary with the Loony Nodes! It's a thing so remarkable and astounding I can hardly bear to speak of it! Actually (yawn), I'm insanely bored, struck by creeping ennui and more than half asleep. Click here next time, goatish tragedies, and I shall make all known to you. In the meantime, hail and farewell, my hircine horrors!