Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, air sign twits! Have you got your ticket to ride on the concord of my vile and bitter prognostications for jaundiced June? Then all aboard, little loquacious ninnies, and we will soar to the heights of sublime irritation once again.
We left you last month in an insensate state, having experienced a complete mental blackout due to the eclipse rather than to your usual overdose of cafe latte and addle-pate conversation. You wander distractedly, trying desperately to recall who you are despite the fact that the rest of us are happy to forget.
Mighty Mars clashes with Venus the goddess and a band of wandering flagellants decide to improve their skills on your body and then heave you into a creek. You lapse into unconsciousness, but then your life changes as giant Jupiter and mystic Neptune wrestle in the Heavens while sober Saturn enters Cancer and your solar second house of money. God speaks to you! Why the deity should believe He has this kind of time to waste, I have no idea, but then stranger things have happened in the past. For instance, He permitted Adam and Eve to breed in the first place and then sent an angel to warn Noah about the deluge so the pitiful human race would survive. Mysterious are the ways of the lord indeed!
While the entire conversation is too long to recount, as words with the deity rarely err on the side of brevity, I shall give you the gist of it here. He tells you to give up your idiot ways, get a decent job and look after your family and also to give up wearing those colourful clothes that are odious in his sight. If you do so, your sense (inasmuch as you ever possessed any) will be restored to you. You agree.
As a raft of tedious planets enter your sign at the Full Moon in Sagittarius, we find you labouring in some laudable profession that contributes to the wellbeing of humanity and married to a hard-working foreign person who feels privileged to be a member of the human community (oh god!). As mighty Mars clashes with the Lunar Nodes, you split with old friends and begin attending church. Mighty Mars moves into Pisces and you become the leader of a religious group that directs 'at-risk' persons towards useful work.
But then everything changes as mighty Mars conjoins with Uranus, Mercury opposes Pluto and sober Saturn conjoins with the Sun in that depressing way he has. You set the at-risk folk to work in an offshore munitions factory. For those that refuse, you negotiate with a seedy foreign individual to sell them into slavery overseas. You buy the church you worship in and begin to tithe the incomes of all those that attend it.
Come the New Moon in Cancer, you're back to making real money, having forgotten about your conversation with the Lord. But, little airhead twerps, has the Lord forgotten you? Click here next month and see.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes