Asperitus Casting Runes...
Hola to you, airhead twits! The month of awful August greets you like the veritable hound of hell, with the venom of vile and bitter prognostications dribbling from its gruesome maw.
We left you last month inebriated in the pulpit of your Church where the thronging congregation was fast becoming disillusioned by your irreverent utterances. Add to that a gloomy meteorological display of suitably Russian character and the appearance of an unnerving elderly person (all that wrinkled skin! Ugh!), threatening to catapult you from the tight-wire of your already precarious grip on things. However, the elderly person turns out not to be the deity at all, but simply a wandering ex-resident from a home for the bewildered that you once ran as part of a fallen business empire. He loses concentration and wanders off.
The sudden storm that assaulted the house of the Lord passes over and the congregation gets up and walks out, leaving you alone as the great Sol Invicti clashes with nasty Neptune. You head home, dazed and confused by developments, only to find your family knows the awful truth and has left you, slashing your entire wardrobe of that appalling brightly coloured clothing you're so fond of wearing. Lovers and hangers-on desert you. Your book and CD no longer sell. Your Church is empty, your scams are uncovered and your fall from grace is complete.
As Mercury the messenger clashes with underworld Pluto and the Full Moon blazes in odious Aquarius, realization comes. You're alone in your home with your life in ruins when you remember you promised God you'd change your ways in return for the restoration of your senses. Yikes and double yikes, airhead twits! You didn't keep your promise! You fall weeping to the floor, though precisely why your dishonesty surprises you so much is hard for the rest of us to understand.
A gathering of unspeakable planets comes in Leo and your solar third house, so you wander the streets, giving away the last of what you have and praying and begging forgiveness. Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti move into Virgo and you return home to clean your house spick and span and get rid of every item of brightly coloured clothing (slashed or otherwise). As Venus then opposes retrograde Mars, you add flagellation to the brew of this attempt at redemption (you actually begin to enjoy this after awhile).
Come the entry of Jupiter into Virgo and the New Moon in that hideous sign, you sell your palatial manse and move to a rude hut in the country to continue your penance. As the great Sol Invicti clashes with mighty Mars, you trip over the birch broom you've been beating yourself with and fall to the floor, knocking yourself out.
As Mercury the messenger turns retrograde in Virgo, you deliriously relive your recent past in a state of unconsciousness. Like Scrooge, you meet an endless succession of past selves, each one more odious than the next. Finally, you return to a state of insensate delirium, coming back to where all this ludicrous drivel began. Will you have the strength to continue the journey, little addlepates? Will I have the strength to chronicle more of this garbage? Who knows? Who cares? Not I! Goodbye, till next time!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes