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    LOATHESOME LEO...

    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of April 2003    Go Forward
    Salutations, little refugees from the land of misplaced vanity! This month, (awful April as it shall from hereon in be known) I was thinking that I shall be nice to you! I was thinking that I would heap praises upon your tiny heads, paean your clothing (I can't help myself, can I) and beatify your marvellous tresses with the blessing of all blessings. Or, at least, I was thinking of doing so yesterday, sometime between midnight and sunrise when the blanket of my medication was at the peak of its benign release. But then, as the great Sol Invicti gruesomely erupted on the horizon, bringing the unthinkable (the dawn of yet another day in this benighted world), I then decided I would do no such thing. So, ha-ha to you, vacuous twits of might and mien! Let us get on with the hideous insults and proceed with the vile and bitter prognostications for awful April.

    There you are, examining your scruffy countenance and railing against your rapidly deteriorating sanity in the desert hermitage you occupy. Thus, when the New Moon in awful Aries opens proceedings on April Fool's Day, you will either forsake this new ascetic life and holiday at a debauched tropical paradise or you will immerse yourself further in the spiritual urges to which you have committed. My money's on the former, but you never know, do you, hairdressing types! If you opt for pleasure, then, as mighty Mars conjoins with cranky Chiron and giant Jupiter moves forward, you will indulge to extinction and be comatose by the Full Moon. If however, you choose the abstemious path, another tale will unfold.

    As Mercury the messenger moves into Taurus and with the great Sol Invicti in your solar ninth house, you begin preaching sermons to passing bees and locusts, millions of which are rendered insensate by the force of your personality. When the Lunar Nodes change sign to Taurus and Scorpio, you decide preaching is your calling. With a raft of astrological aspects too gruesome to mention, you return from the desert to launch yourself on the gullible public, sporting an image both windswept and interesting (or so you think).

    Come the Full Moon in Libra (with nasty aspects to mighty Mars), your first congregation leaves the church as quickly as it came, due to body odour almost as repellent as your simplistic views. But, great heavens, little leonine imbeciles! What's this? Venus the goddess and mighty Mars move into arrogant Aries and eccentric Aquarius respectively, bringing you face to face with a passionate new lover. Driven by a powerful erotic obsession, she/he wants you. How quaint! But, she/he also demands you resume regular washing, get a haircut and get a good job before you get the goodies! You're at the salon in minutes!

    Then, as Mercury the messenger turns retrograde in Taurus and your solar tenth house, you forsake the pulpit for the liquor business, importing exotic beer brewed from honeyed locusts, vast quantities of which you consume, pre- and post-coital. Everything serves a purpose in this benighted universe ruled by insane gods, I suppose. I have to rest now, but I will return next month to make up more of this insulting drivel.


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    Aries, the Ram
    Aries, the Ram

    Taurus, the Bull
    Taurus, the Bull

    Gemini, the Twins
    Gemini, the Twins

    Cancer, the Crab
    Cancer, the Crab

    Leo, the Lion
    Leo, the Lion

    Virgo, the Virgin
    Virgo, the Virgin

    Libra, the Scales
    Libra, the Scales

    Scorpio, the Scorpion
    Scorpio, the Scorpion

    Sagittarius, the Archer
    Sagittarius, the Archer

    Capricorn, the Sea Goat
    Capricorn, the Sea Goat

    Aquarius, the Water Bearer
    Aquarius, the Water Bearer

    Pisces, the Fishes
    Pisces, the Fishes

     
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