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Tally ho, little yoicks! As we must endure the agonies of having to bear witness to your prancing posterior, so must you suffer the heartless assail of vile and nasty planets as the wretched month of jaundiced July unfolds. And assail you it does, my tiny twerps! Marauding Mars rages in vexatious Virgo and your solar twelfth house, throwing up the thrash and crash of hidden enmity, hurling unexpected obstacles in your path and handing you a dose of spiritual confusion. Your initiative will fail you and you will make poor choices in the midst of delicate or complex tasks. Your health will suffer but, with a New Moon in nasty Cancer, you will have an increase in responsibilities or a clash with fellow professionals. Your family will make a fuss as you're set to attend an important meeting, or they will run up extravagant bills and expect you to pay them. Constraints and delays with your schemes or projects will worsen and you will find sour or elderly people have been plotting against you in secret for many moons. You'll meet a spiritual teacher who will thrash your posterior to instil difficult life lessons. You will enjoy the process. Aggressive motorists will abuse you roundly in foreign tongues. You will put on a ghastly uniform your mother made and tell people what to do. You will be seen with extravagantly dressed friends in order to impress people with your glamour. However, nasty assailants will emerge from their cover and pursue you with evil intent whilst shouting insulting comments about your person. As the Full Moon blazes in grim Capricorn, you'll retreat to your domicile and hide under the bed, even though your valance doesn't coordinate with your attire. The great Sol Invicti rolls and crashes drunkenly into lackwit Leo and you will invite your friends for a party. But, as they can't find you under the bed, they wander about the house, stealing money from the change jar, eating the food in the fridge and drinking whatever they can get their hands on. Radical artists dance eccentrically or sing extravagantly whilst past friends and lovers arrive to see if you'd like a different coloured valance to hide behind. Someone begins a lengthy dramatic recitation and you briefly fall in love and have an affair as the valance is being changed. Several recently arrived guests express interest in your buttocks and ask if you want them painted. Sadly, it turns out these are interior decorators and what follows is not pretty at all. A tragedy par for the course in your decadent world, O posterior types! Well, as I'm wracked with ennui of the terminal sort, I shall have to leave you to this foolery. Click here next time if you wish to know what colours it was these doughty wielders of the brush tried to splash upon your person. For the nonce, hail and farewell, my loony bottom types!