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    LECHEROUS LIBRA...

    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of September 2003    Go Forward
    What's that I hear? The inane squeaking of the scales as you weigh the pros and cons of another major life-decision, such as 'do these shoes go with that jacket?' or 'how can I have an affair with someone whose eye colour clashes with my couch?' Great gods alive and dead, little air sign imbeciles! It's that time of the month, isn't it! Time for vile and bitter prognostications, with savage September in my sights!

    Without further ado, we proceed! Last month we left you in parlous climes, abducted, blindfolded and clutching a soiled soft toy while some nitwit droned on about intelligent sheep and the pleasures of being a fish. One might believe you had been reading, in error, the prognostications for Aries or Pisces were it not the case that we know all Rams are cretins and all Fishes live lives of constant suffering. However, put such concerns aside now for your meaningless lives are set to change. Venus the goddess clashes with underworld Pluto and the penny drops as the droning voice hits a mark in your heart. You cast aside the soft toy, moved to tears by the plight of small creatures, worldwide. You're left bereft by the very thought of their pain and suffering. Great heavens, little buttocks types, you're an animal lover!

    As mighty Mars clashes with giant Jupiter, you leap to your feet, then fall over again because you're blindfolded. You cry out with pain, but also with the passion of realization. After all, you've read the books by Linda Goodman and know how fair and just you are! Come the Full Moon in your solar twelfth house, you swear to join the animal liberation front and devote your life thereto.

    Retrograde Mercury clashes with powerful Pluto and you take an oath of allegiance on your favourite jacket before the assemblage of onetime abductors that are now newfound comrades. Sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward clashes with Chiron and you elect yourself leader of the smelly band. You ache inside with psychic pain, knowing somehow how that the hate and despite the rest of us feel for you gives you a bond with all suffering creatures. As eccentric Uranus returns to odious Aquarius and Venus the goddess enters your sign, you decide to use the profits from your fame as a porn star to finance a film about the plight of all creatures great and small. Your comrades urge you to star in this new work but you say them nay. 'Let the little ones be the stars' you cry and, as Mercury goes direct and your comrades realize what an awful fate they have narrowly avoided, they bow their heads in silent consent.

    The great Sol Invicti moves into your sign, bringing a New Moon and the great work gets underway. Mighty Mars goes direct and you're filled with creative fervour, staying up all hours to draft the script. Mercury clashes with underworld Pluto and you arrive for the first meeting only to be greeted with hisses and catcalls! Great Heavens, little imbeciles! What can be wrong? Perhaps it's those leather shoes, the woollen tie and the silk scarf you're wearing. Maybe the combination is wrong for you! Click here next month to find out more.


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    Aries, the Ram
    Aries, the Ram

    Taurus, the Bull
    Taurus, the Bull

    Gemini, the Twins
    Gemini, the Twins

    Cancer, the Crab
    Cancer, the Crab

    Leo, the Lion
    Leo, the Lion

    Virgo, the Virgin
    Virgo, the Virgin

    Libra, the Scales
    Libra, the Scales

    Scorpio, the Scorpion
    Scorpio, the Scorpion

    Sagittarius, the Archer
    Sagittarius, the Archer

    Capricorn, the Sea Goat
    Capricorn, the Sea Goat

    Aquarius, the Water Bearer
    Aquarius, the Water Bearer

    Pisces, the Fishes
    Pisces, the Fishes

     
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