Golly gosh, my little Scales type indolents! It's time for me, prophet of piffle and doom-saying diehard, to serve up the monthly dose of vile and bitter prognostications to you, the useless and decadent wastrels of the Zodiac belt, otherwise known as the imbeciles of balance. And so shall I do since I have nothing better to hand and am well medicated!
The icy winds of savage September are at this moment preparing to scream and rush through the gap between your ears. Here they come! Attend them, you dribbling nitwits! As the month begins, mischievous Mercury is still retrograde in Leo and you're headed for the city and a friends in the Arts Council to see if you can exaggerate your gifts and abilities yet again and gain funding to make a film about the agonies of indecision. Would anyone come to see it, little buttocks types? Or would they just sit about wondering whether they should or not? Let us avoid further debate and continue with the forecast.
Thus, we find you striding along purposefully, until mischievous Mercury moves forward once more and you begin to wonder if indeed you should apply to the Arts Council or if you should go directly to someone in the media. And, should the wardrobe for the film reflect your own good taste (shudder) or should you follow the path of your idol Ingmar Iceberg and use the wardrobe to symbolize the agonies that are your central theme.
This sickening excrescence of inner dialogue continues until, mercifully, it is interrupted by an unexpected encounter. As vamping Venus enters Leo, before you on the road you espy a mysterious figure, touched with a glamour that appeals to your sensitive, artistic nature. Be this one male or female you cannot tell. What you do know is that frock-selling is this mystic creature's vocation, little Scales type nitwits, for racks of appealing garments drawn by dainty deer as white as snow are all about the roadside. Marauding Mars clashes with underworld Pluto and you feel strangely drawn, almost intensely so, to this apparition from someone otherworld where ideals of beauty reign supreme. In fact, you're besotted!
As the New Moon comes in anal Virgo and your solar twelfth house, you sink to your knees and pledge your undying affection. It doesn't matter what sex the creature is! You can rely on that hidden 'other side' of you to see things through.
“No!” replies a mysterious and somewhat asexual but rather enticing voice. “Such a thing is not to be!”
The creature has spoken and you are shocked by this rejection. Shocked? Nay! By my little brown bottle, 'shattered' would be the better term. You fall to the roadside. Is true love always to pass you by, you wonder in the throes of yet another agony on the twisted path of your useless life! However, a benighted universe, ruled by insane gods, moves in mysterious ways. Actually, they're insane ways, really, if you think about it! Ah well! How sad! Never mind!
To continue, the figure bends and reaches for your hand as vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune. She holds a thing out to you, a strange hairpiece of shining mystic beauty, made in a rather odd but fetching triangular shape.
“Let them not forget!” says the enticing asexual voice. “Let them not forget the merkin!”
You take the hairpiece from the extended hand.
“This shall be your mission, little earth child! Forget this film about the agonies of indecision. You shall teach the world to remember the merkin!”
Of course I will, you cry in your heart of hearts, though you are dumbstruck by this extraordinary display. Then, a mist descends for just a brief instant. When it rises, you are on the road alone, clutching this exotic and oddly shaped hairpiece and looking on the emptiness where once the creature stood.
For a moment, you're bereft! Then you realize you've had an epiphany, like the prophets and teachers of old. It may have been some god or goddess who has made a visitation to you, in the manner of those received by the Virgin Mary and other such saintly persons. Perhaps you'll become a saint too! After all, you've had a vision of otherworld loveliness and this has given you a mission that will make your life worthwhile (snigger) and could well be the crowning achievement of your endeavours (not hard).
Thunders roll in the Heavens as the great Sol Invicti rolls into your unspeakable sign. The Equinox has come upon the world. Jolly Jupiter follows suit! So to does marauding Mars! The Full Moon comes in arrogant Aries as mischievous Mercury moves to Libra and your mission is set! You will come among the mass of humanity and ensure they remember the merkin as this vision has told you to do. And, somewhere along the way you may find someone who can tell you what a merkin is. I could, in fact, little air sign imbeciles! But I'm feeling rather weak now and must rest. Click here next month and all shall be revealed, or not as the case may be. Till then! Ta! Ta!