Salutations, my little motes in god’s eye! I trust your rulership of the nether orifices is going well for you. Now, with the pleasantries over, we turn to the vile and bitter prognostications for awful August.
Last time, we left you facing the vengeful glare of yet another jilted lover. You were living the high life on the profit from your most recent round of embezzlements and making your way in a far community after you had gulled them into believing you were a normal human being with a pleasant disposition and a successful business. In addition, you were also in constant communication with an elderly spirit guide whose nature and purpose is mysterious but whose advice seems so far both pointed and profitable. And that’s where we begin! A bit of spiritual advice in your ear, followed by the adept use of water and electricity as mischievous Mercury clashes with idiot Uranus and a relaxing bath to wash away travel weariness becomes a neat solution to the dilemma of this unfortunate arrival. A fortunate departure (for you) follows.
Jolly Jupiter then begins to wrestle with underworld Pluto and you quickly shift your focus back to the society in which you find yourself, wondering how you can turn your status there into a means of gaining access to the funds of the local citizenry. After all, they must be thinking of investing in something! Everybody does! So, why shouldn’t it be you! Thus, as the great Sol Invicti clashes with nasty Neptune, you wander about the place, smiling and misrepresenting your dark and troubled nature as best you can. You even practice various expressions in the mirror as you seek to find the right formula to inspire the trust you need to deceive and rob them.
Vamping Venus enters neurotic Cancer and you begin stepping out with a local lass/lad to create the impression that you’re here to put down roots. As well as this, you start patting local children on the head (ugh) and financing shelters for lost animals (eek). As ghastly planets cavort in unseemly aspect in your solar eleventh house, you start classes for local business folk, styling yourself as a guru for self-help and motivation. You even explain a few tricks of the trade you’ve learned in a long and chequered career as a child born of mixed parentage, the war god and underworld lord. And, as miserable Saturn in your solar third house opposes cranky Chiron in your solar ninth house, your spirit guide whispers in your ear, giving your plans just the touch of silk they need to smooth the path ahead.
The New Moon comes in loathsome Leo and you decide to turn your work as mentor and motivational teacher into a career. ‘Go global,’ says the counselling entity. ‘That’s where there’s money to be made!’ Marauding Mars and mischievous Mercury disport themselves in your solar eleventh house, wrestling with idiot Uranus and you soon have a website up and running. You have also employed several secretaries to write the books that will be the story of your success. Just make sure you leave out the chapter on learning the correct procedure for ordering body bags. Oh, and the one on poisons too, my little insectoid travesties! The world is not ready for the ‘true you’ just yet.
Mischievous Mercury moves back into loathsome Leo and your new ‘life coach’ image is set to become one of the great fictions of the modern era. The Full Moon comes in wretched Pisces and you launch yourself upon the unsuspecting global public. No local identity is enough for you now! You hunger yet again to have the world at your feet, just as you have done in the ‘bad old days’ so many times before.
But now what’s this? Great gods alive and dead, it’s a startling development! As you prepare to go live for a web broadcast of your aims and philosophies, vamping Venus conjoins with lugubrious Saturn and your elderly spirit guide conjoins with you, in a very real and corporeal fashion! Your mouth opens but his words come out. Your limbs are directed like those of a marionette. Quelle horreur, tiny insect things! You’ve been taken over! Possessed! And just who or what is this entity that has masqueraded so long as your adviser and has now become your Svengali in spirit? Click here next month and see!