Asperitus Casting Runes...
Odious are the ways of this naughty world, addlepate bovines! A benighted universe ruled by insane gods, is it not? And odious are the creatures that inhabit this naughty world of insanity and despair, are they not, little bawling profanities, remembering of course that you number among them! It seems pointless to an enlightened being, such as myself, to even contemplate the further course of yet another day. Even the vile and bitter prognostications to which we are both now accustomed seem tedious and empty! And yet we must do so, bound as we are by the miserable wheel!
Ah well, I hope this little discussion has cheered you up somewhat for sober Saturn in Cancer and your solar third house of communication is bound to seem depressing, even to clods as insensitive as you! Enough pleasantries! Let us take up the task in hand, bullish nitwits! No, not that! I mean let us proceed with the vileness and bitterness apportioned to savage September.
Last month was a time of extraordinary change, due to the influences of nasty Neptune, eccentric Uranus, jolly Jupiter and sober Saturn, if you're inclined to discuss such things, which I'm not. This month proves to be much the same only different. In fact, little bullish nitwits, I've long had a theory the previous phrase could well be applied to everything in the known universe with an alarming degree of accuracy. Never mind! Marauding Mars and eccentric Uranus spend several weeks dancing crazily in miserable Pisces and your solar eleventh house. Thus, dreams and friends flit in and out of your life with disturbing rapidity.
Under a raft of aspects too tedious to name, you devote yourself to the new regime of diet and exercise, the one that enhances sexual prowess. After all, where there's sex, there's money to be made and pleasure to be had, a principle so simple even you understand it! However, as usual, your possessive nature gets the better of you and, by the Full Moon in wretched Pisces, you end in a furious row over money with your new partner and split with them. It seems you forgot the book and the program were theirs and not yours.
Oh well! You have your lottery winnings, but sober Saturn's clash with Chiron the wounded healer finds you depressed (see, I told you so) and seeking spiritual counsel. You go to church, but fall asleep while praying. Then, after reading some disturbing things about abstinence in the church literature, you decide spiritual solace isn't all it's cracked up to be. As idiot Uranus moves back into Aquarius and Venus the goddess shifts on into Libra, you decide to get a job. Even though you're filthy rich now, you're bored without a routine to sustain you. You take work in a beauty parlour and find you enjoy the luxuries of the cosmetic indulgence you serve to the customers.
The Equinox comes, bringing the great Sol Invicti and the New Moon in the asinine sign of the Scales. You use part of your fortune to buy out the chain you're working for and become a beauty magnate. What ho, little bullish types! How svelte of you! The sultan of fashion and beauty no less! But then, the venerable la Goodman does say you have the knack for this, even if you don't have any brains!
Marauding Mars goes direct once more and you're up and running. You begin affairs with several of your staff, just so you won't have to go without for too long. But then, what's this? Oh horror of horrors! Mercury the messenger clashes with Venus the goddess and your extremities go into seizure whilst in a particularly challenging tantric pose. What will you do, little bullish twits? Or, more to the point, what will be done to you in your current state of helplessness? Click here next month and see!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes