Salutations, virginal ninnies! It is I, Asperitus! I am arrived in order to make your lives more miserable and depressing than they already are. Though this may seem an extraordinary feat, it is not beyond my mighty powers, I assure you of that, my little surface-wiping loonies!
Last time we left you on the verge of composing a most ghastly and gruesome work on the folly of aspiration and the blight of happiness, conceived under the influence of lugubrious Saturn, currently moping about in your sign. So, what will happen to you this time? Let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications and so discover.
Mischievous Mercury is first cab off the rank as the little tyke moves out of perverse reverse in lackwit Libra. Thus, you decide to give up all these ridiculous notions about misery and get a real 'paying' job, just like normal people. However, as the great Sol Invicti gropes cranky Chiron, the prospective employers you see find the combination of your eccentric ideas and grim disposition (Saturn) unnerving so they close the door on your petition and do not offer work. As vamping Venus exposes her hidden virtue to dark Pluto, lord of the underworld, you redecorate the house, hand stitching a triptych of Lucifer's fall from Heaven to hang on your walls. When vamping Venus rolls on into loathsome Libra, you take work depilating buttocks in a home for the elderly.
Come the New Moon in evil Scorpio, you decide to study the occult and develop magical powers that you will use only for good, especially for drawing ingrown hairs from wrinkled skin. As mischievous Mercury then follows suit by returning to the sign of the dead and the demonic, you begin taking classes and instanter submerge yourself in the learning of a mystic language for the making of dark rites and gloomy glamours.
By my sainted aunt, what's this? Ye gods and little fishes, it's a screech and clatter unfit for human ears as marauding Mars hits the gears with a backward swipe and moves into perverse reverse in nasty little Cancer. You fall out with friends who become suspicious of your activities. You resign from all your 'do-gooder' societies and you fight with the milkman over the toxic nature of commercial dairy product. As mischievous Mercury rollicks cranky Chiron in the private area, you assiduously attend your occult classes. And, as marauding Mars rams rearwards into the softer bits of vamping Venus, you have sex with a bad-tempered beautician, a crayfish seller from Constantinople and a maker of gardening implements, this last involving some enjoyable if somewhat simplistic sexual aids. Then, as the great Sol Invicti gropes his way into silly Sagittarius, you shut yourself, hermit like, in your home for a round of conjuring and summoning in the traditional occult manner. Mischievous Mercury extends his supple bit to wind in amongst the limpid limbs of narcotic Neptune and you raise your voice on high, filling the air with eldritch chanting of a particularly nasty nature.
As the Full Moon comes in nitwit Gemini, you don your ceremonial robes and ready yourself to turn a trick or two in the ancient art of darkness.
By my little brown bottle, virginal types! What strange developments are these? Were it not for the fact that I'm bored to the edge of reason and well beyond, the stunning dénouement might be revealed. Sadly, ennui has overcome me and I long for the tender touch of that lovely silver tube they use up here in Heaven. Click here next time and see what rabbits you may pull from this occult hat of yours. Ave, virgins!
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