Avast ye deck-swabbing, rope-coiling, hatch-battening lunatics! It is I, Asperitus, the mad magus, come to speak to you on the matter of the month of manic May and your own part in the insanity thereof. This is the dread cup, filled to the brim with vile and bitter prognostications. Raise it to your lips and deeply imbibe!
With jolly Jupiter in Capricorn since the start of the year, you'll have been trying to set sail on the ship of life and hie you to a new horizon. However, with grim Saturn in your sign, everything you've tried will have been subject to painful delays and miserable obfuscation. As the month begins, mischievous Mercury flits into nitwit Gemini and instanter gropes the wrinkled skin and aging bones of the ghastly god of old age, misery and death. Ingénue authorities carp, criticise and talk loudly of their status, leaving you out on a limb as you wait for papers, permission or approval. Communications fail and confusion reigns. Grim Saturn then creaks and grinds his way forward once more and you opt to ignore formal requirements and simply proceed with your plans to make your life richer and more rewarding, despite that fact that you're clinically depressed due to Saturn's presence in your sign.
With the New Moon in cloddish Taurus and narcotic Neptune grossly engaged with the Loony North Node, you travel to Rhodes or the Caucasus or Tasmania and seek work in textiles or as an astrologer or in the making of radios. But what's this? Jolly Jupiter moves into perverse reverse and instanter life seems to be a colourless exercise in tedium, leaving you to wonder why you have travelled afar and what it is that will unlock life's secrets for you. Marauding Mars barrels belligerently into lackwit Leo and nasty persons take a dislike to you, behaving appallingly when your back is turned. You feel you're fading into the distance, drifting further from this naughty world and unable to complete your usual schedule of useful tasks. Eek!
Planets too ghastly to name fart in nasty aspects too tedious to recount and you daydream, roam the wild bush and sacrifice to the elder gods in order to find your way out of this malaise. And what's this? By my sainted aunt, it seems your prayers are answered for a Full Moon glowers in evil Scorpio and a fearsome and intense individual appears before you, claiming to be an occultist of unnerving power. The creature offers to teach you elder magic so, as the great Sol Invicti rolls into nitwit Gemini, you sign up as a sorcerer's apprentice. As mischievous Mercury then gropes the body of Uranus, the idiot god, your teacher begins a bizarre and outré chanting, urging you to join in.
Ye gods and little fishes, tiny Virgins! Do you know what happens next? Well, I'll tell you. It's as if you've known these incantations all your life and soon you're roaring with such power as splits nearby stones and shakes trees to their roots. Fierce powers stir within you and, as the busy messenger moves into perverse reverse, it's as though a great spirit from the past is reborn and rises inside you, possessing your very person. Eek! You stand in a strange and foreign landscape, feeling you're someone else and chanting in an incomprehensible eldritch tongue.
Yes, O tiny cretins, extraordinary events are set to occur but as creeping ennui creeps and tedium beyond description sets in, I must leave you for a little brown bottle and that lovely silver tube. Medic, bring me my kit! I must rest now! Until next time, tiny turnips, ave!
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