Greetings, benighted children of a universe ruled by insane gods! It is I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, come from the shadows of retirement to prognosticate upon your vain and tedious futures. Thus, I shall speak of the irksome journey awaiting you in the coming year, 2003. Though this unspeakable turning of the wheel has nothing to recommend it for human consumption, I shall nonetheless essay the attempt for reasons best known to the medical staff here in Heaven and the aforementioned insane gods. Though I am currently too bored or intoxicated (or both) to make anything other than a general forecast, I may, in the fullness of time, address a particular remark to each of you denizens of that unsavoury passing parade of animals and implements known as the Zodiac. But, why stand poised upon the brink matchless miasma? Why hesitate before the pond of odious ennui? Let us plunge into the nameless depths that lie before us. Hark to me, you less than senseless things! I prognosticate!
The year begins with Mercury the messenger turning retrograde in Capricorn, bringing a cloud of tedium that submerges us all. Elderly persons with verbal diarrhoea may accost you in the streets. You may become bored or confused whilst working, in a manner even more jaundiced than the usual. You may have misleading interchanges with the infirm, with garrulous elderly siblings and with petty officials from an organization of geriatric postal workers. With Venus the goddess and mighty Mars making merry hell with irritating Uranus and his eccentric revolutions, there will be unstable gains, unexpected losses and erratic exchanges of blows with instruments either blunt or sharp. Mercifully, all this will cease at the end of January. However, this latter will only to give way to a further month (February by name) as tedious as the former.
In February, ghastly Mars conjoins with underworld Pluto (volcanic) and sober Saturn moves forward (hooray). So, what does not erupt in violence will doubtless continue with the relentless grind of life's quotidian toll. Giant Jupiter, ruler of exaggeration, indulgence and those irritating centaurs opposes mystic Neptune, lord of deceit, drugs and those whining wretches, the ill-fated Pisces. Thus, you won't know what you are doing, with whom you are doing it or even why you are doing anything at all in the first place. Finally, mighty Mars, ruler of belligerence opposes Saturn, the lord of misery and hardship. Thus, everything you do will be hard work on a path littered with obstacles. I cannot begin to express my joy in the anticipation of such events because I feel none. I myself intend to reside in the embrace of Morphia, or at least in the grip of her first cousin, Anaesthesia. Don't bother to wake me when the month is over as there's yet another round of cosmic jollity to come in the form of March madness.
As Caesar was once told to beware the Ides of March, so do I warn you to beware the ideas of March. On the 10th of this very month, radical Uranus moves into the sign of drug-besotted delusion, abysmal failure and spiritual lunacy, belonging to those fish-faced miseries born during the month of Pisces. This wretched Earth will be subjected to all manner of indignity. There will be bizarre cults of new and idiotic saviours. There will be strange political movements too neurotic to reveal what they actually believe in. There will be inexplicable technological failures and inimical doings in the world of the computer virus. We will be inundated with drivel, masquerading as revolutionary thought. There will be discoveries so important that none will be able to reveal them, whilst everything of no importance whatever will be broadcast in an endless stream of mind-numbing twaddle. Nitwits with creative inclination but no talent will regard themselves as being able to make a contribution. In fact, every imbecile in the cosmos will begin to believe they have a right to express themselves and, what's worse, that what they say is important. Doubtless, many of you will lose your minds and have an ecstatic experience that will bring a moment's sodden bliss, then leave you and your life largely unchanged.
By the way, if you can tell the difference between this and the world as it currently is, do write and let me know. I haven't had a good laugh since that French fart said 'I think therefore I am'. With any luck, there may be a radical development (Uranus) with drugs of anaesthesia (Pisces) that may help offset the boredom of it all.
Awful April follows mad March, bringing further doses of cosmic codswallop in an oversized tablespoon. Giant Jupiter moves forwards again, so all and sundry will begin to eat too much, drink too much, brag and tell lies, especially the centaurs. Then, horror of horrors, the Lunar Nodes move into the signs of Taurus and Scorpio, so you'll spend your days hobnobbing with dull-witted bulls or being hunted down and fired upon by vengeful scorpions. What a jolly time that will be! And, as if this isn't enough for the insane gods of this benighted universe, there is another retrograde Mercury, this one in Taurus, so, one and all, you will be confused about money and be talked into stupefaction and possibly early death by the aforementioned bulls. And so does miserable May come after awful April, bringing eclipses and other irritating phenomena too tedious to recount so let us hie straight away to jaundiced June.
Sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward moves into dreary, xenophobic Cancer on June 3rd whilst giant Jupiter once again wrestles with mystic Neptune. Elderly persons with eating disorders and young people wanting to join the military will swamp the human cosmos as countries across the world write stirringly imbecilic songs about defending their national borders. Home-owners everywhere will erect barbed-wire fences and hold flag-raising ceremonies in their backyards. The rest of you may simply retire to the neurotic seclusion of the home, only answering the door to pizza-delivery persons whilst armed with shotgun and gas mask. There will be a sharp increase in food prices and costly restrictions on the usage of water. Thus, while some of you will starve and stink, others will flaunt themselves in the company of the filthy rich.
The joke of July will be that nothing really happens, apart from the building tension around mighty Mars as he slows towards a retrograde phase in loathsome Pisces. Hidden enemies will gather, just beyond the fringes of your vision. Drug usage will proliferate and angry psychics will roam the streets, unable to remember where they live and moaning of maudlin visions. Distressed longshoremen will quit their jobs and take up the monastic life. Noxious gases and mysterious explosive reports will pervade the atmosphere, so you would be well-advised to stay clear of public toilets and the cheaper eating houses. Mighty Mars actually moves into reverse motion at the end of the month so something appalling will undoubtedly take place, but I can't be bothered working out what it might be just to allay your fears.
Awful August launches itself with giant Jupiter moving into the hideous and critical sign of Virgo. How wonderful this will be for all earth signs! Good fortune, good cheer and a measure of good luck will visit you all. Do let me express my gratitude to the insane gods for this delightful development! Because giant Jupiter is in Virgo, doubtless some odious little person born under that sign will rise to a place of prominence in some backwater society. There, said virgin will tell everybody what to do and how to do it, afterwards informing all and sundry that they haven't done it properly. Sadly, as giant Jupiter opposes, on entry, Uranus, the lord of erratic movement himself, a fall will follow this rise with unseemly haste. Thus, the rest of you will have to bear with the tragedy of not living an ordered life with clean socks, colour coordinated pegs and washing, and sparkling clean surfaces at every turn. What a disappointment! I can hardly contain my despair! Ah well! Never mind! As the third retrograde Mercury for the year begins at the end of the month in the very sign of Virgo, doubtless you will not hear the end of this appalling business for some time.
The scourge of September will come upon you all with a flurry of retrogrades and hard planetary aspects. Revolutionary Uranus and Mars seethe in mutual frustration as Jupiter tests their mettle. There will be political outrage, explosions and unreasoning outbursts by distressed nerve specialists. Mercury retrograde will throw a spanner in the works of the aforementioned sign of Virgo, bringing nervous hypochondria and a tide of worry and complaint that will threaten to submerge you all with its carping concerns. By the time sober Saturn opposes Chiron and Mars moves forward again at the end of the month, you will doubtless all be suffering from something or other and have to take to your beds with a warm or cold compress, depending on your miserable condition. As to odious October, I seem to have lost my notes, but I don't think anything much happens anyway. If you are subject to some appalling or tragic development, do write and let me know. I will then include it retrospectively. As this time is largely under the rulership of the keepers of the sacred buttocks, the appalling air sign of Libra, it will be all beauty parlours, boutiques and wavering indecision. I commend you to it.
As with the month of miserable May, so is noxious November a welter of eclipses and irritant forces where doubtless everything that can go wrong will go wrong. As Mercury the messenger and underworld Pluto clash with mighty Mars at the end of the month, there will be eruptions of massive sexual forces, the collision of vehicles carrying foreign made beer and the usual exchange of blows with instruments, blunt, sharp and explosive. There will probably be a lot of yelling and screaming as well. Put a note in your diaries to purchase ear-plugs and bandages to provide against the onslaught. And what can I say about dreadful December? Another retrograde Mercury in lugubrious Capricorn! Hideous Uranus revolts back into tear-stained Pisces! And, as the great Sol Invicti slowly sinks into the West to end this misbegotten journey of 2003, he wrestles with sober Saturn in dreary Cancer and mighty Mars in rambunctious Aries, presaging what appears, on the face of it, to be the impossible! A year somewhat worse than the one before! Greetings to the unspeakable 2004!
To read the bitter, twisted words of Asperitus, click your sign in this table:
If you know your rising sign, check our forecast for that sign too.
To estimate your rising sign, click here
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes