Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings and salutations, O wanderers in the wasteland! Tally ho and yoicks to you, miserable denizens of the odious globe that bears the risible appellation of Planet Earth! I have tidings of great misery and woe! Woe, I say unto you! Woe, woe, woe! I have had a nightmare, an appalling travesty of a dream from which I woke, aghast and drenched with perspiration from my bed of irritation! And lo, in that awful dream did ride a beast so foul that none could look upon it nor speak its name. For yea, it was an awful slavering thing of many mouths that screamed and many legs that thundered. And yikes, did this fearful cacophony resound in the caverns of Morphia like the assault of a vast demonic horde spewed from the lowest of the twenty-nine hells! None could speak its name, I say? None but I! Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth!
Prepare yourselves, benighted ones for a truth more horrible than even minds and hearts as low as yours could conceive or know! And the name of the beast is not 666 as you may even now be thinking! Nay! It is named with digits more dastardly and dreadful than these! It is the beast 2004! And the awful truth it bears in its venomous maw is that another year has begun in this benighted universe ruled by insane gods. I will read now from the list of jolly japes and dastardly deeds, born of the inscrutable and insidious cosmic machinations that will be strewn amongst us and upon us from the lavatory of the gods high above in their cruel and selfish Heaven!
JOLLY JUPITER – IDIOT URANUS
Eccentric Uranus is now returned to tear-stained Pisces and this benighted world will be catapaulted into an alarming nightmare of sadness, drug addiction, religious or creative ecstasy and general angst. Governments will weave their unfortunate citizens into endless webs of deceit, injustice and spiritual slavery. The dark lords will reign as the machines of Metropolis thunder aloud. Brains will be numbed and spirits battered as you become cogs in the wheel of secret wars, simple robot workers in production lines that grind relentlessly to feed the insatiable maw of the corporate and militaristic octopus. You will be morons marching to a symphony of servitude. Messiahs will come to save you but will fall over their feet, due to nervous afflictions or surface damp brought about by the excessive weeping of anxiety-ridden followers. With jolly Jupiter in irritating Virgo, strange diseases will infest the common order of humanity, striking out of the blue. Elderly relatives will develop obsessive vocal disorders while moaning about the cost of living. Eating disorders will claim your pets, necessitating frequent visits to a veterinary community who will grow rich on puling puppies and puking pussies. Teenage children will babble in txt and beep like cell phones, losing what little identity they have in the seductive glamour of intricate virtual worlds. All will wear black armbands to mourn a rising toll of dead and the mark of the beast will be micro-chipped into the passport and, yea, the very pubis of each living person, giving new meaning to the phrase that '666 is the number of the beast'!
On a more hygienic and perhaps cheerful note, surface-wiping will become a global disorder and may lead to 'cults of cleanliness' that gather perhaps two or three hundred persons (at least) from each continent (all of them belonging to ghastly Virgo). There will be waves of allergic reactions to household cleaning products, causing some to swell like balloons while others wither and shrivel. There will be endless and irritating discussions by tedious persons about political correctness and the best way, in their opinion, of doing everything. There will be religious wars over important concerns, such as whether one should wash one's hands before or after urinating or if meat consumed at human sacrifices may be properly cooked on a fire started with accelerant. Great gods alive and dead! That things to come to such a dreadful pass as this! Everybody knows such fires should be created by friction alone!
All the while, lugubrious Saturn continues his relentless journey through the neurotic sign of the crustacean. Tribe and nation will squabble over borders, fishing rights and fence lines. Food will become a luxury item as a tide of poverty grows, forcing many to eat not the breakfast cereal but the box it comes in! And so to with milk! Some will be forced to chew the discarded plastic containers for nourishment, as they can no longer afford the nectar of bovines. Ironically, though not healthy in themselves, these practices will be less harmful than eating the products, proving once again that one simply never knows what is a good or a bad thing! The benighted ones (that's all of you) will dwell in nations bound by flags, barbed wire, insectoid security officials and blaring national anthems. And, by my little brown bottle, there's not been one decent tune ever written to praise the character and doings of any nation, a fact that speaks volumes for the worth of the enterprise. Gods, how could things get any worse? Well, I'll tell you! After looking at the bright side of these major influences, let us now examine the monthly traffic to see what further jollity we find.
JANUARY 1ST – A LAUNCH PAD TO MISERY
Mischievous Mercury is retrograde in the idiot sign of Sagittarius as the year begins. Thus, as philosophers argue about what is truth, leaders shake their fists and threaten war whilst foreign persons gather, screaming unintelligibly at other foreign persons in the market places of this naughty world. Publishers will forget their way to work or get stuck in traffic jams. Academics will fall victim to a creeping virus of solecisms. Across the world, married persons will fall out with their in-laws. As jolly Jupiter turns retrograde at this time, much of this will end in the law courts, except for the academics who will find a herbal ointment for their virus and the publishers who will publish a successful compendium of colourful language put together during this difficult period. All in all, the year will be rather too loud for my taste. As marauding Mars is in aggressive Aries from the outset, there will be belligerence unrestrained as people drive too fast, hit each other frequently, suffer knocks to the head and eat more spicy food than is good for them. With lugubrious Saturn testing Mars, there will be impassable obstacles at every turn and odious authority figures will try to run everyone's lives for them. Quite how this is distinguishable from the business of any other year I'm not certain, but there you have it. Vamping Venus and nasty Neptune conjoin in unseemly fashion from the beginning. Thus, everyone will take drugs, fall in love both foolishly and dangerously, lie constantly, waste money and generally believe things are exactly what they appear to be. As everything appears to me to be a morass of irritation, such persons may well be right in their unmitigated foolishness.
Frightful February brings nasty Neptune into fractious contortions with the Lunar Nodes as marauding Mars dances on the Dragon's Head. There will be battles with water pistols and accidents with chemicals. Psychics will rave and fortune-tellers will take intoxicants to predict impossible futures. Ships will sink in wild storms or become lost in impenetrable mists. Fireworks will be drenched by flooding rains while waterworks will be consumed by fire. Cattle will eat a surfeit sugar and find yet another way of going mad. Surgeons will sweat on their scalpels and brewers will make errors with alcohol content, the former to the great delight of lawyers and the latter to the great delight of nearly everyone. By the time the month is ended, everyone in the entire world will have had sex with someone they hardly know or sworn off the erotic art. Remember, if there's many a slip between the cup and the lip, frightful February will flood the ground with spilt liquid of every variety.
Miserable March allows Saturn to move forwards. And this in spite of my every effort to remove him and his train of miserable Capricorns and lunatic Aquarians from the Zodiac wheel! Hooray! I can hardly wait. Also, marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus so it's bound to be an exciting time with displays of bad temper, explosive devices, accidents, reversals and accidents involving reversals.
In awful April, mischievous Mercury moves into retrograde motion in the odious sign of Taurus so everyone will feel impelled to say everything twice, argue constantly about money and possessions and sound even duller than usual when doing so. There may be mishaps involving cattle but I've always found agriculture depressing so what can you expect! There is a solar eclipse at the New Moon in the appalling sign of Aries that will bring disappointment to the poor dear little ram type persons. But then, it's the second New Moon in a month for the selfish tikes so who cares if they suffer because of it!
As April ends, marauding Mars opposes underworld Pluto. This will bring attempted assassinations, fisticuffs and the indiscriminate use of firearms. Much of the fisticuffs may be due to odious rams, taking out their frustration on the world around them in typical fashion. I believe this brings us to malodorous May! Great gods alive and dead! It's just one thing after another, isn't it! There's a Lunar Eclipse in the loathsome sign of Scorpio, so joint finance could be a troublesome matter. Try not to lose your credit card. Jupiter moves forwards so everyone will boast, exaggerate and imbibe whatever comes to hand. That should be jolly! I believe vamping Venus begins moving backwards in the idiot sign of Gemini in May so if you discover that anything interesting occurs as a consequence, do write and tell someone about it.
Jaundiced June follows malodorous May and jittery July comes after that. I could find nothing to interest me so I turned my attention to awful August. Jolly Jupiter clashes with underworld Pluto so world leaders will be at loggerheads, erupting into rows over ideals and beliefs. The exponents of various religious or political systems will dance insanely as they promote their causes. Mischievous Mercury moves into reverse motion in nit-picking Virgo, so there will be confusion over the best way to thread a needle, allergic reactions to siblings and a general decline in hygiene practices within the police force. Some of you may find it easier to communicate with small animals than with humans but, after all, it's only a difference of height, isn't it! Marauding Mars clashes once again with idiot Uranus, so athletes will lose their tempers, irate veterinarians will hurl their mobile phones at recalcitrant pets and public transport will fall victim to indescribable revolutionary outrages. As lugubrious Saturn opposes cranky Chiron, such matters will in time doubtless prove to be great healing experiences to those involved, to the profit of elderly therapists across the world, proving that, no matter how bad things are, someone's always making money.
In savage September, jolly Jupiter advances into loathsome Libra, causing everyone to speak in an exaggerated manner, spend small fortunes on makeovers, rant about the unfairness of everything while doing nothing at all to change it and perform random impersonations of Oscar Wilde and other such effete literary figures. As marauding Mars squares underworld Pluto, someone or other will doubtless attack someone or other over something or other that seemed very important at the time. Odious October follows on the heels of savage September (no surprises here if you can read a calendar), bringing eclipses, Solar and Lunar. We shall all be stressed, drink heavily and lose both friends and money as the signs of loathsome Libra and obtuse Taurus are involved. Take my advice and lie abed, well anaesthetized of course.
In noxious November, lugubrious Saturn turns retrograde, making everything more depressing than usual. And, marauding Mars clashes with nasty Neptune, causing accidents with chemicals, water and guns and also causing prominent military persons and athletes to be caught out in 'same sex' scandals and drug-taking. In doleful December, mischievous Mercury turns retrograde in silly Sagittarius. Academics and lawyers will wander the streets in confusion while high ranking military persons make confusing pronouncements on the antics of their recently scandalized fellows. Aircraft will travel in the wrong direction (most notably downwards) and preachers will launch into interminable sermons on the 'end of days' yet again. As the death knell sounds for the old year, the Lunar Nodes move into Aries and Libra while marauding Mars and vamping Venus cavort in silly Sagittarius. The dogs of war will be unleashed. Pacifists will be arrested and diplomats will take retirement packages or face retrenchment. Finally, the night skies will light up with the pyrotechnic endeavours of a hapless human species, adrift in a naughty world that floats somewhere in the backwaters of a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. Is this the feverish dream of a madman or the vision of the only enlightened being left on Planet Earth? Let the beast 2004 decide! That's all for now, my little denizens of the irritating Zodiac belt. Ta! Ta!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes