Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, my little airhead imbeciles! Are you geared up to fill yet another seemingly interminable year with fatuous utterances, as you and your cretinous friends caper through the parade of your certifiable antics? Speaking of which, last time we left you, you were bound for a floating chicken and hemp ranch off the north east coast of Africa with a raiding party of lunatic Swedes who called themselves Viking Glory. But just as you closed in for the kill, there was shooting and shouting and all those things that indicate a difficult and perhaps even life threatening experience, not high on your list of favourite things.
However, as usual with any important decisions you have to make, you begin watching what goes on around you as though you're starring in a miniseries or are a part of some obscure television documentary made in a foreign country. In this strangely detached state, you allow events to roll on towards their inevitable conclusion in the hope that you might be rescued from your plight by a deftly timed commercial break that comes just before the cliffhanger finish.
Your mighty Viking vessel rolls on towards the floating chicken farm with your blonde and muscular comrades hooting and hollering the chorus to Fernando. However, as giant Jupiter wrestles with Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti, this foray goes disastrously wrong. In the last moments before your ship is holed by enemy fire, the chicken farm is revealed as a secret military base. As explosions cut through the steel plate of the simple Swedish merchantman and fires break out around you, a swarm of tiny rafts launch themselves from the forbidding contours of the secret establishment, cutting through the waves, ready to deal with any survivors from the ill-fated mission.
You spend your first moments in the freezing waters wondering if you've ever learned to swim or not. As the lower portions of your body begin losing sensation, you remember that you once did when there was an acid house party at the beach. You fell in love with an off-duty lifeguard there and had an affair that lasted for a couple of days, spending a great deal of time in the water. Later on, you remembered you had to go back work and were actually married anyway so the affair came to an end. As Mercury the messenger moves into your sign, you begin swimming aimlessly and talking to yourself as you avoid the fleet of tiny, angry craft that churns up the waters. Slowly, you sink into the icy depths. Given the somewhat tragic circumstances, you start feeling a little emotional, but then you lapse into unconsciousness.
As the great Sol Invicti conjoins with Venus the goddess as the NEW MOON comes in Capricorn and your solar twelfth house, you find yourself awake again at the bottom of the sea, somehow breathing water and watching the extraordinary parade of submarine life. With Mercury conjoining with mystic Neptune, you find yourself thinking how wonderful this is and speculating on the many new friends you may make beneath the waves. But then, you feel a pummelling action on your body. At first you can see no cause at all for such a feeling. Finally though, you're jerked awake by an even fiercer pummelling action. You realize you've been unconscious and that the whole undersea experience was just a dream. As mighty Mars moves into Aries after squaring the Lunar Nodes, you further realize the pummelling hands belong to a large and rather threatening individual who has been trying to wake you from your extended sleep. You're in a tiny room and seemingly at the mercy of this person. You try to say that sufficient pummelling has been done, but your words fall upon deaf ears, or perhaps the ears of someone who speaks another language altogether.
As Mercury the messenger is in retrograde motion, you may be in for some weeks of language difficulties. However, an extraordinary thing is about to happen in the context of this otherwise rather baffling experience. As a vast array of heavenly bodies moves into your sign opposing the FULL MOON Leo, you spy a set of panpipes in the corner of this tiny room. By dumb show, an art you're practiced in, you indicate your interest in this instrument, an interest you found months ago in your time in Venezuela. The pipes are given you and you put them to your lips to make the ungodly racket for which they are legend. Suddenly, you have a friend where before you had a mysterious enemy and pummeller. The large individual embraces you. But what's this? Ye gods, little airheads! You fall senseless to the floor as mighty Mars squares giant Jupiter. The long ordeal of Swedish music, icy water and ceaseless pummelling has made you ill. What will happen now!
TIP FOR 2002: As there will be two Full Moons in your insufferable sign this year, the first in July and the second in August, I hereby notify you the other signs will be lodging a petition with the heavenly council. It will discuss the matter of the cruel and unreasonable suffering that such an occurrence inflicts upon an already over-burdened humanity. In addition to this, giant Jupiter moves into Leo and your solar seventh house of partnership in August. Thus, I can only suggest that you marry a lawyer, an academic, a religious personage or an actor or actress of foreign birth in order to benefit financially from the union. This will, however, mean you will be able to talk a little less, a fact for which the rest of us will be eternally grateful.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes