Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Dear air sign nitwits, I expect you think it too late to write a single word on the doings of miserable March as we are now well down the track of the aforementioned calendar division. Regardless of the fact that your odious sign is oriented to the future, it must still be recognized that the proper expression of irritation is timeless and I myself am the master of properly expressed irritation. Thus I present my ruminations on the events of the recent past and immediate future as far as your idiot sign is concerned for the doings of this tedious month! Thus, I begin with a formal greeting such as you are, doubtless, well accustomed to by now.
Ho to the monstrous mental vacuities! Ho to the airheads from hell! Let me say it is my fondest hope and most desperate desire to end my cycle of incarnations on this miserable planet before the so-called 'Age of Aquarius' begins. I really don't think I could bear the sight and sound of you cavorting in the eccentric drama of your spiritual predominance. In fact, I can't even bear to think of it so I shall turn at once to the vile and bitter reflections and prognostications for the month of miserable March. First cab off the rank was giant Jupiter's forward move in Cancer and your solar sixth house, bringing developments and success with work matters but ongoing problems with health. You're earning money but bloating up and passing out on a regular basis. Oh dear!
And as proceedings continued to advance, Mighty Mars roared into the sign of Taurus and your solar fourth house so home would have become a battleground as your family members and loved ones locked horns on the ghastly field of their irreconcilable differences. However, since you were actually in some godforsaken spot (a floating chicken and hemp farm), as conceived in a moderately wild burst of imagination on my part (you would fear to know what transpires in the wildest of them), we must let the comedy of your loathsome family entirely alone. So, it was the floating domicile became the scene of tension as the shadowy figure in charge summoned you to appear before his lowering presence in the Holy of Holies. You walked the corridors in trepidation. Newfound comrades and lovers of the Pan Flute seemed to become touchy and irritable, withdrawn even. After what seemed like a week of walking (actually, it was a week as you kept falling down along the way because of your health problems), you were ushered into the office.
The great Sol Invicti clashed with underworld Pluto and the shadowy figure still seemed shadowy as you sat down. He first demanded a share of the monies you had been making as an entertainer aboard the vessel. He threatened to hit you unless you complied so you complied, physical violence being totally abhorrent to you (unless it involves people on television that you don't actually know and then it's quite entertaining). You put the money into his shadowy hand but then he turned the lights on and the shadowy effect disappeared altogether. As Venus the goddess moved into Aries and your solar third house, you saw he was of quite a comely appearance. Mercury the messenger then conjoined with revolutionary Uranus and startling revelations were made. This floating farm was not, in fact, created to raise chickens and hemp. These activities were just a sideline. This was a money-laundering operation. As Mercury the messenger then moved into Pisces and Venus squared giant Jupiter, he offered you a job in the organization. When you asked what you would have to do, he said simply 'wash money'.
As the NEW MOON came in Pisces and your solar second house, you realized that there was nothing illegal in what was being suggested and that this place simply washed old bank notes and coins for government treasuries around the world that were too busy to do so themselves. You were so disgusted with the proposition of such tedious work that, as mighty Mars tested out mystic Neptune, you collapsed into a feverish fit, ensuring that you would be transported off this ridiculous floating base and back to your home country. Thankfully we can now bring to an end this singularly idiotic line of drivel. Now, as the great Sol Invicti moves into Aries and your solar third house, you're at home, recuperating from another chapter in the eccentric saga of your life and looking for gainful employment. As Mercury the messenger wrestles with underworld Pluto, you have very little money left as your outstanding bills have decimated the funds you brought back from the chicken farm. The great Sol Invicti squares giant Jupiter and a realization comes. You may have to get a job, just like normal people do! Great Heavens, little airheads! This cannot be!
Come the FULL MOON in Libra and your solar ninth house, and you're wracking what passes for your brains in the hope you'll come up with a brilliant idea. As Mercury the messenger moves into Aries and your solar third house, we find you thinking (ha!). Perhaps you could move into publishing and write a book about an optician with measles. Or you could try road transport and deliver radishes, rhubarb, onions, nettles, peppers and mustard to radio announcers with neuralgic headaches. Or, you could teach shorthand to ill-tempered or insomniac young people with acne who practise nudism. God, I'm bored! Come back next month for more fatuous suggestions about your idiotic lives.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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