What ho, my fine and fatuous types! Another year is imminent. Thus, another annual dose of the vile and bitter prognostications is due. Attend me now as I, Asperitus, piffling prophet and baffling bard pour out the measured spoonful and thrust it in the general direction of your airhead selves. Things begin, as they generally do, with insufferable planets cavorting in nasty aspect. In this instance, they hobnob in the sign of silly Sagittarius and your solar eleventh house. Thus your lunatic friends will fall in and out of love through scheming betrayals and dastardly deeds. They will develop obsessive tendencies, join satanic cults and argue over money. You yourself may join a society that will debate the meaning of life till normal people would run screaming from the room. You will have secret sex with those you meet on committees or in charitable organizations.
When cranky Chiron moves to your sign, you may develop a twitch or act in an eccentric manner. You may study Swedish, make weapons or remedies or just behave so strangely that everyone will tell you how much you've changed or simply avoid you altogether. You may fantasize that you are a large bird and try to nest in trees.
THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: With the jolly giant in Libra and your solar ninth house until October, you will laugh like an idiot, tell extravagant stories, triumph in litigation and travel to Japan, Argentina or Leeds in order to study the meaning of life. When jolly Jupiter moves to Scorpio, you will decide that life has no meaning whatsoever and sacrifice everything you have and everyone who loves you to become successful. You will poison people who block your career path and have sex with anyone whose status is greater than your own. You may move to Halifax or Liverpool and become a psychic detective.
THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: Lugubrious Saturn has been in Cancer and your house of health for a longer time than is good for any creature, even yourself. Sadly, he will not leave there yet and is so ensconced as the year begins. Thus, you will continue to suffer with bad knees or an excess of body fluid. You will feel isolated from co-workers or form a family business connected with sheep, milk products or dark chocolate. When the grim one moves to Leo in July, you will get divorced, marry an elderly person or become more difficult to deal with than you already are. You may move to Moscow or Helsinki and live with an aging artist. You may form a liaison with a proud person and argue incessantly, probably because you think you're a bird. This person may commit a heinous crime and you will have to hunt them down using your powers as a psychic detective.