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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of December 2003    Go Forward
    Yikes and double yikes, airhead imbeciles! It's that time of the month again! In fact, it's well beyond that time because I'm late with these wretched forecasts. I slept through the end of nasty November, a piquant pleasure for which I make no apology!

    Last month, we left you about to go to jail. This month, we find you in it. Thus I shall first fill you in on what you've missed and then we can begin the vile and bitter prognostications for dreadful December. Mischievous Mercury entered miserable Capricorn and you spent time talking to fellow inmates, most of whom were depressed or uncommunicative. Then vamping Venus clashed with lugubrious Saturn and you were put to work in a prison shop, making blankets for third world babies and socks for homeless elderly folk. It may have, in fact, been the other way around, but I was neither sufficiently conscious nor interested to pay attention.

    Anyway, come the Full Moon in idiot Gemini and your solar fifth house, you decide to write the tragic tale of your fall from grace and subsequent incarceration to while away the long and lonely hours in your cell.

    Following that, the great Sol Invicti conjoins in an unseemly fashion with underworld Pluto, then they clash with jolly Jupiter. Your friends on the outside (both of them) thus come together to form a support group. They begin a campaign to release you from the house of detention. Or, failing that, they would like an espresso bar installed within the grim grey walls, largely for when they visit.

    Mischievous Mercury clashes with lugubrious Saturn and elderly prisoners corner you in the corridor with depressing converse about the toll of long sentences on the human psyche. Fortunately, this is of little concern to you, for a variety of reasons. In the meantime, marauding Mars moves into Aries, seeing you assigned to an outdoor detail to work in the chili gardens run by the prison.

    However, the taste of freedom is almost too much for you and, as mischievous Mercury turns retrograde in your solar twelfth house, you wander about your cell at night, talking to yourself. Vamping Venus then moves into your sign and a prison education officer discovers you have experience in the media and asks you to teach a 'film studies' course for the inmates. You agree, for it gives you access to video-recording equipment. You want this because you're bored with writing your tragic tale and would rather film it.

    As the great Sol Invicti enters Capricorn, bringing a New Moon in that miserable sign, you begin work on a biopic called 'FROM WITHIN THESE WALLS', a project for which you have a cunning plan. Despite the indignity of a Christmas dinner where friends and family are too busy to visit and several minor assaults in the course of shooting, you finish this masterwork. And, in accordance with your cunning plan, you have one version to submit to prison authorities and a secret copy you've made to expose life on the inside to the outside world.

    As idiot Uranus returns to tear-stained Pisces and mischievous Mercury re-enters Sagittarius, you send the secret copy to an associate in the film industry. This is done by means of the prison education officer with whom you're now having an affair (vamping Venus conjunct nasty Neptune). There's money to be made and notoriety to be had if all goes as planned, little air sign imbeciles. As marauding Mars clashes with lugubrious Saturn, you wait breathless by the prison phone to hear the news. Click here next month and see what transpires!

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