Asperitus Casting Runes...
Yikes and double yikes! It’s you, isn’t it, my little airhead nitwits! And it’s time for your monthly dose of the vile and bitter prognostications! In this instance, those of jaded June are the poison in the cup. Drink deep, my darling imbeciles! Imbibe the fatal medicine of Asperitus, doctor of the bitter truth.
Last month, we left you moving into a new manse and established as something of cappuccino occultist in the land of Bonnie Prince Charlie where you now dwell. The Full Moon comes in nitwit Sagittarius, clashing with jolly Jupiter and your fame grows as you stage marvellous exhibitions of electromagnetism, mesmerism, voyeurism and other such occultist phenomena. Of course, you can’t really do anything at all of a phenomenal nature. You simply use the hidden recesses of your home and a deal of money to stage some convincing special effects.
Ghastly planets cavort in unseemly aspect while vamping Venus eclipses the great Sol Invicti and your efforts are lauded beyond your wildest dreams. The gullible public loves you and, in the manner of fools from time immemorial, they demand more of these nitwit novelties. Come the New Moon in fatuous Gemini and your solar fifth house, you’ve become the master magician and your shows are the talk of the town. Were it not for your watery knees, courtesy of the long flight to Scotland, all would be well. But, by my little brown bottle, it’s not!
In fact, as mischievous Mercury leads the great Sol Invicti into neurotic Cancer, ushering in the Solstice, you’re consulting specialists as if they’re going out of style to see if they can fix the problem or at least eliminate the awful sloshing sound your knees make when you move suddenly. Marauding Mars moves into odious Leo and you’re inundated by sexual propositions from actors, fashion designers and lawyers, all avid to singe themselves like moths at the flame of your fame.
But, great gods alive and dead! How can you bed them with fat, soggy knees that creak in a disturbing manner? Lugubrious Saturn clashes with nasty Neptune and such health problems seem to drain your vital energies. Mischievous Mercury conjoins with Saturn and you fly in a specialist from Paraguay. He turns out to be a morbid individual, a touch xenophobic and a committed skeptic. When he discovers what you do, he suggests you fix your problems with your occult powers and flies back home sulking.
As vamping Venus goes direct, you decide you will. This after all is a benighted universe ruled by insane gods, so who knows what can happen? You decide to stage the show of all shows and fix your errant knees with an incandescent display of mesmerism and electromagnetic power! Will it work? Especially as you can’t actually do anything! Click here next month and see!