What ho, airhead nitwits! Last time we left you bonking with the bard and making mesmeric magic to mislead the marks. What will it be this month? Why, we shall consult the vile and bitter prognostications for offensive October and find out!
As marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus, we find you set to undertake further research in your newly acquired subterranean knocking shop as you try to decide between casual dalliance with Henry the Fourth's second part and an orgy involving all three parts of Henry the Sixth. However, as vamping Venus enters anal Virgo, preparing to cavort in unseemly fashion with the aforementioned revolutionary one, you elect to do both in the eccentric alternating cycle so popular with the natives of your insufferable sign.
Meanwhile, my little air sign twits, the world withers under the barrage of laudatory communications on the subject of your wonderful self, launched in the media under the unspeakable influence of the great Sol Invicti and mischievous Mercury. It appears you can do no wrong as jolly Jupiter and idiot Uranus engage in infamous cosmic conduct to pour coin into your coffers from across the globe. Thus do you decide you will write a marvellous scientific work and capitalize on your fame with a best selling book! It will be just like a Brief History of Time or the Theory of Relativity or Five Go To Another Realm! Egad, little nitwits! How exciting for you!
The New Moon in Libra brings a Solar Eclipse and you decide to give up electromagnetism and devote yourself to the masterwork. You think and think, your very best thoughts even, but nothing comes. Mischievous Mercury enters gloomy Scorpio and you ring up all kinds of important people to ask if they have any ideas but they pretend not to know who you are and hang up quickly. Vamping Venus clashes with underworld Pluto and you flee back to Bonk the Bard to seek inspiration in a total immersion version of the Tempest which you believe has some scientific content and was in fact written by Francis Bacon, a noted scientist, spy and the discoverer of pigs.
In the midst of a ménage à trois with Ariel and Caliban, the great idea comes. Great gods alive and dead, you're still throbbing with inspiration or something very like it as you extract yourself from between the spirit and the slave to make a few quick notes. Just think of it, little airhead ninnies! You've had a marvellous scientific epiphany, due in no part to yourself really and only to the insane machinations of mischievous Mercury and nasty Neptune, among a raft of other planetary motions of unseemly nature.
And what is your great idea for the masterwork? Why, you've just invented Ockham's Shaving Cream! This is an entirely new principle though it is a sequel to its ancient counterpart known as Ockham's Razor. This latter was invented by William of Ockham and states that in every situation, the simplest explanation for things is liable to be the true one. The principle of Ockham's Shaving Cream, stating that if you put enough emollient on the roughest of surfaces, you can always smooth them over. Your background in marketing and the media is in evidence here but nonetheless and not to be deterred, you phone your agent and initiate a bidding war for the rights to this as yet unwritten book and the movie that will follow.
Come the Full Moon and a Lunar Eclipse in Taurus and your solar fourth house, you move from your home to a remote island where you can write your masterwork in peace. However, marauding Mars clashes with cranky Chiron and the plane you're travelling in is forced to land at a foggy and mysterious destination off the western coast of Scotland. You scramble from the stricken craft to be confronted by a figure wearing extravagant clothing and possessing the most beautiful pair of buttocks you have ever seen. And, what's more, there's a certain 'come hither' look that is most enticing.
By my little brown bottle, vamping Venus is in loathsome Libra and it's happy Halloween, my airhead addlepates! Is this love or is it the sorcerous glamour of a Celtic demon from the Western Isles come to take you to the otherworld? You've been having a lot of jolly adventures lately. Will this be another? Click here next time and see!