Toodle pip, vacuous sons and daughters of the water-bearing god! Last time we left, you were transfixed by glamorous buttocks that you had encountered in the western isles of Scotland as you made a forced landing en route to the retreat where you were to write a new book, THE MYSTERIES OF OCKHAM'S SHAVING CREAM. And if that's not a sufficient mouthful to swallow, open wide your airy gob and prepare to ingest the doctor's bitter pill. It is I, Asperitus, M. D. (that's master of doom to the uninitiated) and these are the scarifying prognostications for naughty November, in pill form, of course.
Vamping Venus conjoins in unseemly fashion with jolly Jupiter and the exotic vision that confronts you sways enticingly in your direction. Mischievous Mercury enters Sagittarius and you burble on about yourself, your wonderful ideas and idiot friends in the ridiculous manner you adopt when nervous. The great Sol Invicti clashes with nasty Neptune and a haze of glamour grips you as you fall deeper and deeper in love (such as you have ever known it) with the commanding being who advances on you in this wild and lonely place. Mischievous Mercury clashes with idiot Uranus and all thoughts of riches and fame fly out through the opened windows of your bedazzled brain. And, what's worse, marauding Mars clashes with miserable Saturn and you go weak at the knees (they have troubled you in recent times remember). Miserable Saturn then turns retrograde and you fold yourself nervelessly into a prone position on the tiny stretch of tarmac on this lost isle. Marauding Mars moves to morbid Scorpio and strong arms lift you and carry you away, my wretched airhead twerps!
What do you think of that? I'm astounded anyone would bother, unless it were to clear the path for a more important passage such as a leaf falling in the wind or a last lazy bee returning to the hive with the day's pollen packed around her tiny legs! Ah me! How sweet everything is when sublime irritation is on hand to comfort us.
Enough of that! The New Moon comes in psychotic Scorpio and the strong hands that carried you now minister to you in this weakened condition. You lie comatose but your inner being berates itself as you realize all the mesmerism, miraculous healings and rampaging sex at the Bard's Brothel were fraudulent! Just shallow shams and placebos that deluded you into thinking you were healed! For now, the old condition has flared up again! Vamping Venus clashes with cranky Chiron and miserable Saturn and your solar sixth and twelfth houses are rampant with disease and disorder. Then mischievous Mercury conjoins with underworld Pluto and you see your life for the hollow fiction that it is. Headpiece stuffed with straw, as the poet said! The great Sol Invicti moves to asinine Sagittarius, clashing with idiot Uranus and bringing an odious Full Moon in nitwit Gemini.
Believe me, air sign loonies, this is every bit as exhausting as it sounds. Thus do you resolve inwardly to live a better life in pursuance of the great ideal expressed through your new book on Ockham's Shaving Cream! Only now you will write it from the other point of view. No longer will your smooth and smarmy nature that runs with hares and hunts with hounds support the ease with which any lie can be made into truth. Nay! It will be blows against the empire as THE MYSTERIES OF OCKHAM'S SHAVING CREAM becomes a diatribe to bring down the feudal empire of the corporate barons who rule this benighted world. Truly, money is the insane god that breeds all other gods from dark and insatiable loins!
Soft hands tend your fevered knees as vamping Venus simmers in brooding Scorpio. Soon though, the sublime goddess conjoins in unseemly fashion with marauding Mars to clash with nasty Neptune. Ye gods and little fishes, this is a cosmic drama like unto no other seen before in this naughty world. You're in love, my little airheads, with the delicate ministering hands. And you're besotted by these visions of the staunch crusade that you will undertake to unseat the power of Mammon. Oh yes! Then, shall it be truth, justice and the Aquarian way! Will you awake from your trance in time to actually do anything? Click here next time and see!