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Tally ho, little yoicks! Last month, we left you reclining in a somnolent posture with a serious case of knees! What will it be this time? Why, it will be the dire and doom-filled dénouement of doleful December! That's what it will be! So, let us not fart like ghastly planets in the stinking cosmos! Let us instead enter upon the trail of tears that is the path of vile and bitter prognostication. Let us look at the course of your wretched lives and read the ghastly fate written there.
I realize I am late with the forecast. However, I feel no shame in this as I had better things to do than remain conscious and upright. These were, in fact, to remain unconscious and prone, an infinitely preferable condition. Enough of this! Let us make the march of doleful December while some morsel of it remains for our consumption. Hold hard, my little airhead darlings!
First, I will fill you in on some of the juicy bits that you have missed so far. A good prophet may tell you not only what is about to happen but also what already has. Mischievous Mercury moved backwards in silly Sagittarius and you raved and ranted in your unconscious state about the masterwork you would write, THE MYSTERIES OF OCKHAM'S SHAVING CREAM, a damning diatribe against the capitalist conspiracy. Mercury reversed in nasty aspect to miserable Saturn as jolly Jupiter harmonized with narcotic Neptune and ministering hands ministered tenderly to your suffering form. Yet still you had no idea as to the identity of the creature to whom the transfixing buttocks and tender hands belonged. If this makes no sense, kindly go back and read the forecasts for the preceding months. If it does, seek medical assistance immediately!
A New Moon comes in silly Sagittarius, clasping the busy messenger to its heaving bosom and you suddenly seem to wake and yet you are still asleep. Your spirit rises over the bed and looks down at your unconscious form. Great gods alive and dead, you're out of your body! Astral travelling! That's a very Aquarian thing! And your astral knees don't hurt at all! How gratifying! You look around and see the one of the beauteous buttocks, hovering before you in the shimmering air. She/he is in spirit form too. Perhaps you could have spiritual sex! That would be fun and very Aquarian!
'Och no!' she/he cries. 'I don't do that sort of thing.' As you are trying to overcome your disappointment, the spirit explains that she/he has come from the otherworld to bring a message. And that message is to give up all thought of OCKHAM'S SHAVING CREAM, as the world is not yet ready for such a thing (a ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day for some of us at least). Instead, return to the Scottish mainland and sink your fortune (made from occult displays and a brothel) into a new musical to entertain the people. For it is only by music that the evils of capitalism will be banished from the world. She/he whispers in your ear what this great work is to be then vanishes.
By my little brown bottle, that's all a bit bizarre, little turnip heads! However, as vamping Venus enters silly Sagittarius and then clashes with Uranus, the idiot god, you awake and arise, though the pain in your knees is still great. Nonetheless, this vision from the otherworld has moved you deeply so you decide to follow the instructions. You fly back to your Scottish home and begin writing. Mischievous Mercury goes direct and you set to work. The great Sol Invicti enters gloomy Capricorn, visiting yet another miserable bloody Solstice on the world (happy Christmas, tiny tikes) and you live in deep retreat, feverishly writing as the vision instructed you till the Full Moon comes in neurotic Cancer and you are finally done.
The Lunar Nodes move to arrogant Aries and loony Libra and you bring this great new work into production. And what is it to be, little airhead types? Great gods alive and dead, are we ever to know? Yes, right now! You have re-written the sixties musical HAIR as a Scottish work, calling it 'HAIRRRRRR'. And this masterwork features a new version of a classic song, re-titled 'The Age of Och-Quarius'! You invest all your money from fraudulent occultism and prostitution to ensure that this will do for Scotland what RIVERDANCE has done for Ireland. It will be an instant global hit and start a fashion in backless kilts and incense with a malt whiskey aroma for which you alone will have the merchandising rights, or so you think. You even invite Sean Connery to the premiere.
Great elephants and dancing monkeys, tiny imbeciles! Do you realize what this means? Of course you do! It means you're every bit the fool everyone took you for. But will you be successful? After all, complete and utter brainlessness has never been a bar to commercial success and is more often than not a guarantee of it. Perhaps you will triumph! Sing several rounds of 'auld lang syne' then click here next month and see. Toodle pip!
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