Hooray to you, noxious airhead vacuities! Last time, you were travelling in England and on the road to Avalon, in the midst of writing a musical, one involving nuns from a discotheque on a journey to this selfsame mythic isle of yore. You were also indulging in a little back seat dalliance with a recently acquired lover who was prepared to fund this enterprise (your musical) in gratitude for a brief joyous moment you had brought to the wretched creature's life. Suffice it to say the misery in which your new paramour must once have lived would be beyond description in polite society.
So what do the vile and bitter prognostications bring you for the month of jaded June? Well, as you've asked, I'll tell you. There are groanings and gnashings aplenty as marauding Mars grapples with Pluto, dark god of the underworld and your financial woes are transformed overnight by the merest recitation of the chorus of one of your atrocious songs. Were one to require further evidence of the rulership of this benighted universe by a gaggle of insane gods, one need look no further than this. Ah well! How sad! Never mind!
And as jolly Jupiter now rolls forward once again, you and your new love roll on to Somerset and the isle of Avalon where doubtless you will meet with Brian Ferry, his new bride Guinevere and their faithful dog, Lancelot. At least, these are the fantasies that occupy your mind (snigger) on this journey to the ancestral home of the legendary Arthur and the knights of old England, made as a New Moon in gibbering Gemini entwines in ghastly embrace with mischievous Mercury and dark Pluto, underworld god. There are also minor problems with your lover, involving personal hygiene and communication, due in no small part to the presence of odious planets in Cancer and your solar sixth house. However, you deal with these in the usual manner. Marauding Mars crashes into abysmal Aries and your solar third house and you race about the place doing all kinds of distracting things to avoid confrontation while your lover moans in the background about your alarming personal habits. Could this be the end of something beautiful before it has even begun? Say not so!
But, great gods alive and dead, what's this? It's the intervention of the Heavens! That's what it is! As the great Sol Invicti visits another gruesome solstice upon a naughty world, bringing a Full Moon in gloomy Capricorn and your solar twelfth house, you find these petty concerns are subsumed by the call of the greater mission as your mind and heart open to spirit and the otherworld. It's as if the angels themselves now ask you to put aside these minor teething matters (perhaps dental hygiene is involved).
Ye gods and little fishes, winsome loonies! That's it! You have no time to carp. You're on a quest to bring DISCO NUNS GO TO AVALON into the full blossom of life! Wild music plays in the Heavens! You see a banner open in the sky, calling as the vision of the Grail once called Galahad the Pure! You see a cathedral of love in the clouds, the crowning jewel in a monastery of magic wherein the Holy Grail is kept, and also the mystic sword of Arthur, Ex Cauliflower (it's a vegetarian sword). You are consumed by ecstatic fever. You speak passionately of this burgeoning masterpiece. You compose ex tempore, cheeky chansons and daring ditties, evoking the spirit of these days of yore, brought to life with trance music, gossamer wigs and silver high heels. Thus, with humour and eccentric brilliance (in your own mind, at least) do you soothe the disgruntled bosom of a tone-deaf lover. By all the gods! What magical healing powers you possess!
Ghastly planets roll into loathsome Leo and your solar seventh house. Love blossoms once again in its own eccentric fashion as you speed towards your chosen destination, driven by this all-consuming vision of Disco Nuns. But will all be cool at Camelot? Or will there be bats in the belfry? Cracks in the cloister! Or the moaning of monastic ghosts? Click here next time, my frightful little persons, and we shall see! Ta! Ta!