Toodle pip, my lily-livered lunatics! Last time, the hermit of the forest sent you on a quest to find yourself. You encountered said hermit whilst lost in a storm as you searched for the Holy Grail (a cappuccino mug) and tried to finish your musical, a masterwork called DISCO NUNS GO TO AVALON. However, rather than finding yourself, you fell in with a party of Japanese tourists that had come to photograph the grave of King Arthur. You then fell in love with one of them and forgot all about your quest.
I think that about sums up the recent past! I can only trust that it makes more sense to you than it does to me. Certes, it could not make less! But, in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods, one should not be deterred by the essential meaninglessness of all one encounters! Otherwise one should never get out of bed! Perhaps that's why I'm always so late getting up!
Hmm! I seem to be wandering off the subject. I suppose I had better call for the whips and work myself up into the requisite state of prophetic frenzy. Thus will I utter the vile and bitter prognostications for obnoxious October and then go back to bed. Attend me now, my water-bearing loons! It's vile! It's bitter! It's on for young and old! Instanter, things take a turn for the worst. Marauding Mars turns his backside to the world, moving into perverse reverse motion with a stream of gaseous flatulence that will pollute the cosmic winds for months to come. He does so in the cloddish sign of Taurus. Thus, your Japanese affair is short-lived and you find yourself wandering, angry, homeless and with no clear sense of purpose. All you wanted to do was find Avalon, write a hit musical, be very successful and have lots of friends! It doesn't seem that much to ask, does it! What do you think?
But as the New Moon brings a Solar Eclipse in loathsome Libra and on the loony South Node, you find yourself wandering in the wilds of Somerset with broken dreams and no true companion. And, as for this business of finding yourself! Well! As mischievous Mercury gropes the private parts of jolly Jupiter, you wander hilly climes, talking wildly to yourself and gesticulating in a grand, extravagant manner. Vamping Venus enters silly Sagittarius and various persons wander past and try to strike up a friendship with you. However, in a manner uncharacteristic of your usual amiable and idiotic self, you brush them off with nasty remarks about their parentage and possible occupations.
These outbursts are due to the entry of mischievous Mercury into gloomy Scorpio, creeping toward an unseemly encounter with lugubrious Saturn. And so it is that you drive everyone away from you and, in your solitude, begin to dwell upon your relationship with your family and your mother in particular. Ghastly thoughts go through your mind in a morbid, unhealthy manner. You see that you've never been able to form a proper and adult relationship with anyone because of your peculiar relations with your mater, a person of eccentric nature, with a pathological need for control. On the heels of this realization comes the odious farting of nasty planets, as they befoul the cosmic winds with their disgusting antics. As usual for these times, it's marauding Mars that is the chief offender. He thrusts his rudest bit into the private parts of the great Sol Invicti and dark Pluto, forming yet again a Yod (you had once last month), a ghastly configuration betiding woe of nine kinds and known to astrologers of yore as the Finger of God. Thus you resolve to put aside your aspirations for success in the arts and creative expression until you can know yourself and form a decent human relationship.
By my sainted aunt, little water-bearing twerps! Do you realize what you've said? If you don't, I shall tell you. You echoed the hermit's injunction and set yourself on a quest to 'know yourself' under the most noisome and noxious circumstances ever known in the history of the Heavens! Oh well! How sad! Never mind! The Full Moon glowers in addlepate Aries, bringing a Lunar Eclipse to your solar third house, one that sees you tear the rough draft of DISCO NUNS GO TO AVALON to shreds! Never will the world of music and the public at large know the true brilliance of this masterwork for you thus consign it to oblivion. Hmm! 'Every cloud' as they say! And then the cosmic gears really begin to grind as the cosmic wheels hit the muddy tracks of chaos incarnate! The great Sol Invicti slithers into hag-ridden Scorpio and your solar tenth house. You decide that you must now develop the insight that you need to find success! That should bring a smile to the lips of any of the insane gods sober enough to notice! For, you think, it is only thus that you will banish the shade of your mater from the 'so far' useless life you've led, flitting like a butterfly upon the winds, seeking flower after flower for the brightness of their hue and no other sensible reason. You will find your career and your purpose and so find your true love, the one with whom you can be a mature and sensible person (snigger) in a composed and successful manner (snigger again).
That leaves only the question of what you will do in the matter of this career! As jolly Jupiter, the giggling and inebriated lord of fortune lurches into that same sign of death, taxes and the anus (evil Scorpio), you're filled with cosmic inspiration. You will become a psychic detective, amazing the world with your astonishing powers as you climb above the common herd to sit atop the heap! And, if anyone should stand in your way, by all the gods alive and dead, they'd better look out! Gadzooks, my fatuous ning-nongs! Is this truly you? You've changed, but is it for the better or the worse? Click here next month and see! In the meantime, ave atque vale, my tiny airhead nincompoops!