Hola, tiny airhead ninnies! Last time, you were a drug lord in Bedlam, a lunatic asylum in Halifax where you had taken refuge in your role as Saint Cretin, psychic detective, a persona you had taken on after a disastrous trip to Somerset. From your humble beginnings in this insalubrious abode where you were regarded (quite properly) as a wastrel and one of the less fortunate under-endowed, you have risen high in the ranks of inmates, largely through mindless cheerfulness and previous experience with traffic in prescription drugs. You have formed a friendship with an elderly inmate with a Picasso complex and made yourself a small fortune that grows in tandem with your burgeoning reputation as one of the brighter stars in this lunatic firmament.
So what do the vile and bitter prognostications hold for fractious February? Well, I'll tell you! Mischievous Mercury and narcotic Neptune lasciviously assail the private parts of jolly Jupiter and persons of standing in the institution (with keys to the doors), begin to consult you as to your opinion on the other inmates and the standard of treatment and care available. Vamping Venus slips a quick one to jolly Jupiter and many inmates come to regard you as the secret head of the institution, travelling incognito as a lunatic. Marauding Mars returns to his retrograde point and you feel strangely at home in this residence of madness, especially as persons offer sexual favours, hoping you will look upon them favorably in return. In keeping with your role as St Cretin, psychic detective, You make outré pronouncements on the fate of those about you while the great Sol Invicti and narcotic Neptune grope the private parts of jolly Jupiter.
Strangely, many of these come true, in a mystifying, riddling manner that gives them all the more weight in the minds of lunatics. Mischievous Mercury enters tear-stained Pisces and the drug trafficking improves your finances further, as inmates offer medication in exchange for prophecies. By the Full Moon in lackwit Leo, you've a following among the dysfunctional and the deviants that is second to none. Many inmates will take no orders from the staff unless they're cleared with you. Marauding Mars crashes into nitwit Gemini and you've so many romantic options at your disposal that you suggest a regular orgiastic gathering as an experimental form of therapy. No sooner said than done, if St Cretin is the speaker. Horizontal dancing in honour of said Saint is the order of the day in this Halifax asylum.
But what's this? Why it's the great Sol Invicti, slithering into snivelling Pisces, sideswiping marauding Mars and heading for a bout of lewdness with mischievous Mercury. The Bedlam accounts department arrives at your palatial rooms, seeking advice on matters fiscal. It seems a fundraising scheme is required. Would Saint Cretin, psychic detective, have any suggestions? You look languidly across at the elderly inmate with the Picasso complex (now your constant companion) and smile a knowing smile.
'What about a drama!' you suggest. 'The inmates could present a play about life in the asylum that will demonstrate the benefits they receive at the hands of the good and kindly staff.' Sage nodding occurs in profusion. As a New Moon comes in damp and nasty Pisces, you (of course) volunteer to write and direct the extravaganza.
And, what do you think, my tiny airhead twerps! It will be called DISCO NUNS GO TO HALIFAX and it will be a masterpiece. Your great work, that once was lost, will live again. What do you think? You sit back upon the perch that is your roost and preen the feathers in the cloak you now regularly wear. You'll soon be ready to take to the air, my gallant little lunatics! For Chiron in your sign has made you crazier than anyone has yet realized. You no longer care about writing a masterwork and the whole charade will be no more than a clever device to allow you to fly (literally) from Halifax to freedom. For you know in your heart of hearts that you are a giant bird and have a home on a distant mountain peak among the clouds.
Click here next month to continue with the next exciting episode of 'Flight of the Condor', with you as the avian star. For the nonce, hail and farewell, my wacky little ning-nongs!