Ave, my tiny addlepate airheads! Last time we left you in a messpot of sexual shenanigans as the Hacienda of Horrors lived up to its name. And great gobs of glutinous gelatin! It was a dark and sticky substance into which you were sinking, sucked down like a helpless victim of the quicksand found only in life's seamy underbelly.
In this instance, the Two Birds brothel you began in cooperation with your partner, your spouse and the local constabulary was the underbelly in question though, in the end, it may be that the fate of civilization as we know it rests upon your eccentric shoulders. Let us hope we shall at last witness its long-awaited demise. In the meantime, we await with interest (or what passes for it, here in Heaven) your decisions, my tiny air sign twits.
So let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for savage September so that we may divine what they will be. Behold me and tremble, you vile and foolish loonies! It is I! Asperitus! Damnable doctor of dreadful doom and other dire things the nature of which I can't exactly remember as I'm screamingly bored and already suffering from creeping ennui. We'd best get on with the ghastly business before Morphia returns to claim me for it is to her and her alone that my loyalty is given. Sublime irritation decrees it!
In the meantime, mischievous Mercury begins in unseemly congress with the great Sol Invicti and we find you deep in converse over sex, money and death, not necessarily in that order. Marauding Mars still clambers on the private parts of the Loony South Node and the local police sit in, offering advice on various points of the conversation that relate to bribery, extortion, torture. They also make rude and lewd insinuations about the sexual favours they expect in tandem with their 'brown envelope' payments. Tensions rise quickly as mischievous Mercury and the great Sol Invicti assail the tender bits of Uranus, idiot god, and a fierce row is soon in progress. As dark Pluto, the underworld god, goes direct, you decide you can bear this disgusting life and its business no longer. You're tired of the lasciviousness and the public exposure of your private peccadilloes. Vamping Venus slithers into anal Virgo and you employ a person of great lewdness, born without a bone of shame in any centimeter of their enticing and fulsome form, to perform in your house, taking the attention of those gathered there.
As the Full Moon in wretched Pisces brings a Lunar Eclipse to your house of money, you sneak away and drain the bank accounts of all working cash. Marauding Mars roars into loathsome Libra and you hire a motorized vehicle, driven by a bisexual driver in elegant trousers, to convey you to part or parts unknown so you can escape the ghastly mess that your life in Madrid has become. Somewhere in the distance you hear the cries of grief and lustful anguish that come from the home you have bankrupted and abandoned, just as mischievous Mercury sideswipes dark Pluto, the underworld god. The busy messenger then moves to lackwit Libra and you converse cheerfully with the driver, treating the creature as a new and exotic friend. As ghastly planets too tedious to name cavort in aspects too nasty to recount, you stop for food and phone several quondam friends to ask what they're doing in the hope of finding a place to stay and beginning your life anew. However, they tell you they never want to see you again and will sue or hire hitmen if you dare to darken their doorsteps. This may or may not be to do with the gruesome groping of dark Pluto and the great Sol Invicti. Jolly Jupiter parts the curtains for narcotic Neptune and, over lunch, you put a map of the world on a dart board and hurl a sharpened missile thereat to decide a destination wherein you may end your flight from the Hacienda of Horrors. Oddly, the dart lands in the middle of the city of Salzburg in Austria. As they have some lovely monuments there and also some lovely mountains (the Alps) where you could practice being an eagle and find an eyrie to live in, you decide you will have your driver take you there as fast as possible.
A New Moon comes once more in vexatious Virgo, this time bringing a Solar Eclipse and you wind up your financial interests in Madrid only to find that the drug money from Halifax has at last come through. Hoorah! You're filthy rich once more. As the great Sol Invicti rolls into loathsome Libra, you purchase some fine Austrian trousers and a guidebook to this home of tradition. As vamping Venus slithers lasciviously into the ghastly sign of partnership, you discover that THE SOUND OF MUSIC was filmed there.
Ye gods and Julie Andrews! This is one of your favourite things! You're instanter inspired and start to write a musical entitled DISCO NUNS FLEE THE NAZIS which you decide you will produce there, thus becoming a star and being proclaimed the new Mozart, the latter also being associated with Salzburg. All you need now is beautiful friends and your life will be complete. Or will it? Click here next time and see if it's all raindrops on roses, my tiny airhead kittens! In the meantime, ave!