Ho to you, my water-bearing ninnies! Last time we left you striding the streets of Salzburg with Austrian trousers and a guidebook, busily composing a musical work, DISCO NUNS FLEE THE NAZIS as you took in the sights of the city of cathedrals, Mozart and THE SOUND OF MUSIC. You had left behind the Hacienda of Horrors and its Spanish tragedy. A bisexual driver, a considerable fortune and a dart-board had sent you safely hither.
What new chapter in your gorgeous life is set to unfold? Let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for obnoxious October and so discover. Matters begin with mischievous Mercury slinking into evil Scorpio and then slipping a quick one into cranky Chiron. You have frustrating talks with persons in authority (Austrian) as to the nature and purpose of your time in Salzburg. You also experience confusion about your professional standing and direction, as you cannot remember if you are still St Cretin, psychic detective or if you have become Wind Eagle, messenger from the stars. With all that's happened recently, you're confused about your identity and cannot remember which of the ludicrous appellations you finally opted for, if either.
You saunter about town in a state of uncertainty until the ghastly Full Moon glares down on this naughty world from the sign of addlepate Aries. As you meet and greet citizens, from youthful to elderly, from active to sedentary (there's a lot of sitting in Salzburg), you decide you will still be St Cretin, psychic detective. You feel it carries an insouciance, a mystique or savoir-faire that will serve you in the city of THE SOUND OF MUSIC. And so it does. For soon you hobnob with the professional and artistic elite, swanning about in theatres, publishing houses, cafes and bus shelters as you cultivate the contacts you need to see your dream come true. And that dream is, my tiny turnips, a production of DISCO NUNS FLEE THE NAZIS at the Salzburg Cathedral. Ghastly planets fart and fornicate fantastically in lackwit Leo, imbecilic Sagittarius and your own appalling sign, as sycophantic laughter rings out among the latte set. You make friends, do deals, spin a web of exaggeration and blatant deceit about your talent and generally behave in that unctuous, eccentric manner your vacuous friends and brainless associates seem to find so appealing.
A New Moon comes in lackwit Libra and you seal the deal for an advance to get a script underway, paid by a promoter that has obviously overestimated your ability. Ye gods and little fishes, my nincompoops! Do you realize what this means? DISCO NUNS FLEE THE NAZIS is set to premiere in the most prestigious of venues! Shriek and double shriek! Never in the course of human contracts has so much been paid to so few (you) for what will, in all probability, be so worthless.
But what's this? By my sainted aunt! It's a gaggle of unspeakable planets, groping its way into the ghastly reaches of morbid, obsessive Scorpio. Eek! Suddenly, you're surrounded by mysterious persons, radiating subconscious power or authority clearly born of a darkling bureaucratic structure, torn from the pages of a nightmare novel by Franz Kafka. There are whispers, grim looks, pointing and (shudder) a sideways glance. Egad! A sideways glance bodes no good for any mortal creature! It's a well-known fact! After all, Marc Anthony gave one to Cleopatra, as did Brutus to Caesar and Macbeth to Duncan! And look what happened!
Odds bodkins! What's afoot, my addlebrained airheads! Why the game, of course! The game! Murder most foul has been committed in the upper echelons of a bureaucratic body, tucked away among the ancient stone edifices of Salzburg. And the officials of that department have come seeking the services of St Cretin, psychic detective, to solve the bloody crime.
Gadzooks! Your reputation precedes you, my willy-nilly nitwits! Or perhaps it's the reputation of someone capable and experienced in detection work! Someone for whom you've been mistaken! Nonetheless and not to be deterred, you accept the case without consideration for the consequences of your actions (as usual). Great masticating camels and farting monkeys! Can you not see the shadows of All Hallow's Eve descend on Salzburg proper, just as mischievous Mercury moves into perverse reverse in gloomy Scorpio. I see only doom, doom and further doom of a dreadful and dastardly kind!
However, as I'm bored out of my mind and expiring from terminal ennui, you'll have to click here next time to discover what this doom involves. For the nonce, ave, tiny cretins!