Shiver me timbers, airhead trollops! You might be all at sea this month. Or, at least, wallowing in the shallows of your useless and meaningless existence!
Last time we left you on the verge of stardom as a playwright and entrepreneur. This month, it all begins innocently enough. A hideous Full Moon in silly Sagittarius blazes with ghastly light in your house of friends, hopes and wishes. However, the light may in time reveal that all your friends are idiotic and all your hopes are too! As for your wishes, they cannot be discussed in polite society without proper medication and the presence of legal council. However, you soon forget all of that nonsense as vamping Venus slithers into lackwit Leo, bringing the beauty of another to your lustful attention. There is a strange almost mystical meeting (your favourite kind) and you're in love, my brainless twits! What ho and toodle pip!
Thus enamoured, you decide to cast this glitteringly gorgeous creature in the leading role of your new musical, DISCO NUNS GO GENDER-BENDING. That way, the two of you can play 'dress-ups' and have the most splendidly jolly times! It'll be Viv and Larry all over again. You decide to splash out with the funds, even though you're short (as well as broke). And so, secretly and fraudulently, you dip into the budget for the musical to pay for your pleasure. Egad! I'm aghast! It must be narcotic Neptune exerting his whimsically deceptive influence on the matter. You purchase a shiny new car to drive your sweetheart about. And, to make matters worse, you repaint it in rainbow colours (ugh) with dolphins embossed in glitter on the panelling (eek) while the bumper is covered in stickers carrying meaningful injunctions on saving whales and the endangered electric newt from the wilds of Patagonia (aargh).
Cometh the New Moon in supple but perverted Gemini and cometh the preview of your glam show! But, gang aft agae and all that, my simpering nitwits! For, as mischievous Mercury moves into perverse reverse in Cancer, the technicians go out on strike (you haven't paid them because of the car) and the cast comes down with a nasty rash due to the virulent exotic dye used to make the costume lingerie. By my sainted aunt! Could matters get any worse than this?
Indeed, it seems they can for now the great Sol Invicti rolls and clatters drunkenly into the slimy seafood sign, visiting another Solstice on an already overburdened world. Quelle horreur! And certes it is a horde of horrors that sets out to run you down with tank track cosmic wheels! Uranus is in perverse reverse in wretched Pisces and you have one fiscal upset after another, leaving you short (as before) and broke as well! Marauding Mars bullies his belligerent way into cloddish Taurus and rows erupt at home, while manly persons clatter about in the streets with pneumatic drills, lawnmowers and various other vehicles of loud report. Further bills come in! Gadzooks! And, as lugubrious Saturn entwines his knobby knees about the soft flesh of narcotic Neptune, your new affair comes to grief, forcing you to live temporarily in the garden shed with spades, fertilizer and cobwebs! Ugh!
With your dream of gender-bending nuns now wrecked on the rocks of poverty bay, you're forced to go back to your odious family connections and beg to go back to your old job of selling 'I can't believe it's not seafood', just to get by on this sea of discontent. A second Full Moon comes, this one in the gloomy sign of the Goat, and we find you in the solitude of your garden shed, late at night, counting the pitiful pile of coin earned from these humiliating endeavours. Yet you tell yourself with each clink of a miserable dollar that one day, the disco nuns that bend their gender will be out from underneath (eek) and back on top (how masterful).
Will it all come right for you, little loonies? Or will the perverse reverse race of narcotic Neptune, Uranus the idiot and mischievous Mercury leave you even more bereft and senseless than you already are? Click next time and see, tiny turnips!