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EVASIVE AQUARIUS...	 —Asperitus Signs— Asperitus Speaks Nhill, holy city Aries Asp (March/April) Taurus Asp (April/May) Gemini Asp (May/June) Cancer Asp (June/July) Leo Asp (July/Aug) Virgo Asp (Aug/Sept) Libra Asp (Sept/Oct) Scorpio Asp (Oct/Nov) Sagittarius Asp (Nov/Dec) Capricorn Asp (Dec/Jan) Aquarius Asp (Jan/Feb) Pisces Asp (Feb/Mar)
 The Jaded Japes of June 2008 Â

Hail to you, airheads. When morbid Saturn and idiot Uranus clash in noxious November, you'll feel as though you're at war with yourself and develop a split personality. You will live an odious and felonious life while pretending to be normal (snigger).

You become involved with prostitution, black magic and psychotic accountants, cultivating criminal interests and contacts. You'll take work in a counting house and become expert at estimating how many pennies are in a pile. You will make secret alchemical fluid mixtures and sell them in pipette dosages at parties and to people waiting in queues at the bank.

You negotiate with devious or subtle people and completely misunderstand what they want. You consequently hide money in offshore investments, only to find you've been cheated. In a financial risk you lose your money and have to find a job to pay the debts. To recoup your losses, you become part of a nude performing troupe that acts out people's fantasies. Eventually, you'll get arrested for this, but continue to do it in prison.

TIPS FOR JADED JUNE:

Confusion will reign in your romantic life. You'll either change partners several times, due no doubt to a nasty contretemps over money, or there'll be a miraculous change of fortune with finance and you'll become an extravagant spendthrift overnight.

The Full Moon comes in addlepate Sagittarius and you'll organize a party for your idiotic friends, with exotic fruits, animal masks to wear and that airhead music you prefer, with whales birthing and a chorus of belching seagulls stamping on rocks and chewing bread crusts. However, as vamping Venus and the great Sol Invicti slither into slimy Cancer, you'll find you're broke again and will have to seek employment (eek) to pay the bills (yikes). Ave!

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