Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, little bearers of the sacred H2O! And how are you going with the great work of bettering human consciousness? That's if the benighted denizens of this backwater planet could be said to be conscious in the first place. Perhaps the task of carrying about that ridiculous water-filled urn is getting a bit too much for you sophisticated airhead types? Or you have simply forgotten it's your job to do so? What's that you say? You have! What do you mean? Do you think you're here for the fun of it? No, of course you're not! You have to suffer like the rest of us. Get out there and enlighten the mass of humanity or there'll be trouble.
But wait! What am I saying? There's trouble already and we're headed for doom and destruction. Oh well! Don't bother then. Wait till your next life and come back as a Capricorn. That way you won't give a damn for the state of humanity and will just be concerned with making money and getting ahead. It won't make you happy but it will make you rich. But on the other hand, who'd want to be a tragic little goatish bureaucrat? Que'l horreur! And anyway, you didn't come here to read about dull and boring goat type persons, did you! No! You came here to read about scintillating and eccentric little you. I suppose I'd better get on with it. Don't drop your urns, little airheads. Here come the vile and bitter prognostications for noxious November.
The FULL MOON explodes in Taurus and your solar eleventh house on the first day of the month, making cosmic mayhem with mystic Neptune and mighty Mars in your sign. With your Swedish accent and recently purchased warship in place, you come steaming full speed ahead to torpedo the Venezuelans, thus relocating them in a detention centre deep in Davy Jones Locker. However, as you approach the hapless folk on the leaky boat, your better nature (you remember where you keep it, I trust? In the top pocket of that electric blue jacket you love to wear, no doubt) asserts itself and you decide to save the torpedoes and spare the migrating Venezuelans.
However, the exuberance of performing a humanitarian act overcomes your limited skills at the wheel and your warship collides with the refugee vessel anyway. All hell breaks loose on the high seas, as it should with sober Saturn wrestling with underworld Pluto while mystic Neptune cavorts in your sign. Not so much the Water Bearer as the water-wearer now, and your swimming skills are not what they were. Perhaps we'll leave to drown. What do you think, air sign specimens? Oh, all right! I'll rescue you, but don't think it's because I favour you in any way.
As the great Sol Invicti makes harmony with giant Jupiter while Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess move into Scorpio and your solar tenth house, you're pulled from the seas alive by powerful and authoritative hands. You've been adrift a long time now so you're hungry, thirsty and suitably wrinkled. But, after a moment's relief, you're aghast as you discover your rescuers are Swedish! As Mercury and Venus make mischief with mystic Neptune, you find yourself surrounded by people called Lars, Per, Olaf and Bjorn. Ye gods, little 'air sign' tragedies! What will you do? Your disguise is flimsy and your accent terrible. You'll be sussed by the Swedes and thrown to the sharks. Either that or you'll be forced to listen endlessly to Abba Gold while learning to play the 'top spin' lob in tennis.
Come a NEW MOON in Scorpio that clashes with revolutionary Uranus, your flawed faade is found out for what it is, a sham (just like the rest of your life). It's the redoubtable Lars who discovers the fraud, or perhaps it's Per, or maybe it's Olaf or Benny or Bjorn or Anna-Frid or Agnetha! Ye gods! I'm not really sure. Anyway, the crew forces you to sign on for the duration or be revealed to the authorities. You choose to sign on. As mighty Mars, Venus the goddess and your own eccentric Uranus play heavenly contact sport, things get really hot. If you're a female Aquarian, you'll become a sexual plaything for the crew. If you're a male Aquarian, you'll become a sexual plaything for the crew. I think it's something to do with the Viking ancestry. Or perhaps it's just the way of jolly tars at sea.
Regardless of this, by the time the great Sol Invicti moves into Sagittarius and your solar eleventh house, you've decided things aren't so bad. In fact, you're really enjoying yourself with all your new friends called Lars and Per and Olaf and Bjorn and Benny and Anna-Frid and Agnetha and so on and so on. See you next month, little airheads!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes