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    Click for Last Month  The Jaded Japes of July 2008  Click for Next Month
    Aries What ho, my tiny ning nongs! It's jaundiced July! Nasty things are afoot and due to be enacted on your disgusting little fleeces. With marauding Mars in vexatious Virgo, you'll race about cleaning things (eek), wiping surfaces (aargh) and putting small items away in their boxes so they won't lie about on the floor (ugh). You'll eat nuts and practice throwing your sheets and clothing into the drawers of your tallboy in a correctly folded fashion. With an odious New Moon in neurotic Cancer and vamping Venus in a ghastly grope with jolly Jupiter, you will scrub your house from top to bottom, bathe in egg custard made from ewe's milk and invite your highly qualified or extravagant friends around to admire the new furniture you've purchased.

    However, as you have no friends, this tragic attempt at social activity fails completely. Instead, while marauding Mars rams the rude bit into grim Saturn, you fill this social gap by cleaning obsessively and learning the mystic truths of the scrubbing brush, the vacuum cleaner and the dish mop. So mighty are your efforts that your home soon sings with the flurry and fluster of the old feather duster and this hurricane of housework becomes a theatrical extravaganza to dazzle the eye.

    Come a Full Moon in nasty Capricorn, experts arrive to praise this ritual purification of the domicile, nodding their sage approval as sages so often do. As the great Sol Invicti rolls into lackwit Leo, you take on a manager, open your home as a theatre and sell tickets to all that would witness this demented dance of the dervish of domestic hygiene. Mischievous Mercury skitters into lackwit Leo and you raise your nasty voice to Heaven, ululating (eek) unnervingly, scrubbing furiously and piling up the dosh.

    Great gods alive and dead, malodorous sheep type thingies! Are you to be the most famous scrubber that ever was, next in a long line of those that came before? A cosmic light swirls about you in the air as you whirl above the sink, hurling slickly polished dishes into a rack. Ye gods and little fishes! You who were once so slovenly! Is there nought now that will not fly from your fingers unsullied or immaculate? Click here next time and read further of these hygiene wonders! But for the nonce, ave!



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