Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Dear ram-type nonentities! Greetings for the month of miserable March! I expect you'll be writing and rewriting the list of the presents that you expect to get as the Equinox approaches and your various rambunctious birthdays draw nigh. I expect this list involves an assemblage of sharp objects and firearms, and also things of various descriptions that come in the brighter shades of red. I expect also that you'll be thinking of the tortures and punishments you will inflict upon those who fail to fulfill your childish needs and disgusting desires.
This last practice could have a scorpion-like flavour were it not for one simple fact. Instead of the exquisite and drawn out tortures inflicted by the refined palate of the myrmidons of the underworld god, your punishments simply run to hitting those who displease you whilst shouting loudly about how dissatisfied you are. Oh well! Each to his own, eh! Now, let's get on with the show, little rambunctious nitwits. What does miserable March have in store for the odious ovines? Hark to me while I prognosticate the vile and bitter truth!
As proceedings get underway, you suffer from an irritating mixture of influences. The great Sol Invicti and Venus the goddess still sojourn in miserable Pisces and your solar twelfth house, weakening your already precarious mental condition (refer last month's forecast). This increases the chances of starting yet another secret affair, tripping over your own silly feet or being done in by an enemy you didn't know you had. Perhaps all this terrorism and secrecy is too much for your limited faculties. With giant Jupiter moving forward, thoughts of home and the domesticity of sheep are on your mind. Why choose terror when one can have the kiss of bucolic bliss delivered on the lips by the rolling fields of one's personal pastoral paradise?
With mighty Mars in Taurus, financial security calls. As the great Sol Invicti challenges underworld Pluto, you buckle beneath the strain, gibbering and running about the place, insulting your newfound colleagues and braying like an ass (Saturn in your solar third house). Then Mercury the messenger conjoins with revolutionary Uranus and you decide to give up the madness of the war for sheep and flee home to your own loving flocks and the work of tending them. As Venus the goddess is now in your own sign, you change your image, getting a haircut to go along with the good job.
Come the NEW MOON in Pisces and your solar twelfth house, you're inspired to write something, a new work on sheep to sing their praises as the idylls of Virgil once sang the praises of the Roman countryside. When warrior Mars squares mystic Neptune, onetime colleagues band against you, sending agents to throw water bombs as you frolic in your fields or hiring fortune-tellers to lay curses upon your hot little horny heads. But as the great Sol Invicti blazes in your own sign, your fire lifts you far above the reach of such senseless acts of vengeance. As Mercury the messenger squares underworld Pluto, you taunt the myrmidons of darkness, shouting "Sod off, ugly!" at the top of your voice and rejoicing as these villains burst into tears, humiliated by your dazzling wit and wounded by your penetrating insight. As the great Sol Invicti clashes with giant Jupiter, the fortress of your pastoral home resounds with ringing shouts of your triumph over all who oppose you.
Come the FULL MOON in Libra and your solar seventh house, a mysterious stranger appears at your door. She/he professes to have loved you always from afar and now has come to declare that undying love. As Mercury the messenger moves into Aries, the book of ovine idylls moves from creative inspiration to realized work of genius at breakneck speed. Great Heavens, little ram-type things! Life is beautiful and fulfilled all at once! Is all this too good to be true? Click here next month and discover the flower of a sordid nightmare that grows from these seeds of rustic bliss.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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