Asperitus Casting Runes...
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My dear little horned monstrosities! How are you this month? No, don't bother to answer. I'll only have to increase my medication if I am forced to listen to your endless and egocentric ramblings. Instead, let us just roll forwards into the desert of my vile and bitter prognostications for awful April.
We left you last month taking recreational drugs and having affairs with other people's partners. Come the New Moon in your sign, you try to turn over a new leaf but fail completely because people of your sign are irresponsible, selfish and stupid. When mighty Mars conjoins with cranky Chiron in Capricorn and your solar tenth house, you are desperate to gain control over these seductive addictions and visit a shamanic healer with a gammy leg. With treatment, you stop drinking and taking drugs for a time, but with giant Jupiter moving forward, squaring Mercury the messenger in Taurus, you begin to gamble and spend extravagantly.
As the Lunar Nodes move into Taurus and Scorpio, you have serious money troubles. As Venus the goddess squares underworld Pluto, you consult a psychic, desperate to see a better future. However, she/he turns out to have an alcohol problem and seduces you into a drunken affair. Now, you're back drinking again and have even less money as she/he charged an exorbitant fee.
When the Full Moon comes in Libra with nasty aspects to warrior Mars, it turns out that the psychic's husband is a very large person who works for a brewery and is insanely jealous, so you get a severe beating for your trouble. Venus the goddess moves into your sign, bringing a magnetic charm to your usually surly countenance, though this is hardly visible through the bandages. Mighty Mars moves into Aquarius and your solar eleventh house and your remaining friend agrees to help you find a useful occupation, something that really contributes to society.
However, as Mercury the messenger turns retrograde in your solar second house, a lengthy discussion brings home the realization that you have nothing whatsoever to contribute (something I realized long ago) and will have to get a job like everyone else. Click here next month and see what humbling, menial task a benighted universe ruled by insane gods will choose for you, my little rambunctious nitwits!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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