Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, ram type imbeciles! How are your twisted horns and odious hoofs? No, don't bother to tell me! Prepare instead to run the gauntlet of my vile and bitter prognostications for jaundiced June.
Tremble in your baby booties, O things of minimal maturity, for this month will set you on your flatulent backsides! Giant Jupiter and mystic Neptune tease each other in the Heavens and your earthly desires return to you as you sit in silent meditation in your mountain fastness. You pretend passionate love for a fellow acolyte so you can have sex with them and then borrow money (it's called stealing when you have no intention of repaying it!) to head home and live the wild life again.
On your return, sober Saturn moves into Cancer and you find an elderly relative has moved into your home in your absence. In addition, the gardener you hired to landscape the grounds has contracted St. Vitas Dance (Saturn trine to Uranus in Pisces) and filled the yard with crazy paving instead of those nice red bricks you like so much. As the great Sol Invicti wrestles with underworld Pluto, you complain, refusing to pay. However, it turns out the gardener has Sicilian relatives who urge you strenuously to love the paving.
As Venus the goddess moves into Gemini, you're in an impecunious state. This is due to pressure from the Sicilians to pay double for the paving, covering the work and the cost of treatment (for St Vitas Dance, which you admit, under duress, was clearly your fault) plus an additional loading for distress. Also, while the elderly relative initially claimed that she/he ate like a bird, it seems that her/his appetite is more that of a flock of seagulls. Thus you set off to earn money.
Come the Full Moon, you take a job as a singing bus conductor, but you have such an awful voice that the passengers throw you off and offer to pay double fares if the bus company will sack you. This occurs as mighty Mars clashes with the Lunar Nodes, if anybody cares. Mars then enters dreary and sorrowful Pisces for a hideously long stay so your wretched lives will become even worse. You consort with dock-workers, psychics, prostitutes and other low and aimless types.
The Solstice comes. As the great Sol Invicti moves in neurotic Cancer, you begin selling your body from the confines of your home while the elderly relative pimps for you, growing fat on the proceeds. Your life is one long round of rows, loud music, drug-taking and illicit sex, par for the course, except you're not sober enough to drive people off the road or run over pedestrians in that hideous red Ferrari of yours.
Come the New Moon in Cancer, you look about you. You're in a drunken stupor and having sex with someone you met quite recently. It's then, little rambunctious nitwits, you realize you're incapable of changing your ways. You thus fall to the floor distraught, crying to the universe to bring release from the inanity of you! Few powers I know of can work such miracles, but we'll see. Click here next month to find out if anyone or anything can improve you.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes