Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Hola to you, addlepates of the ovine persuasion! Blessings upon your twisted horns and shiny fleeces! Last month we left you at the end of your tether, first besotted, then distraught in the morass of illicit sex, immoral earnings and drug-taking that has recently become your life. One wonders why this would leave you distressed, but each to their own, I suppose! However, fear not, little weeping and wittering woebegones of the shaggy fleece! It's all about to change as I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, unleash the vile and bitter prognostications for jittery July.
As Mercury the messenger conjoins with sober Saturn and giant Jupiter holds harmonious concourse with underworld Pluto, you develop religious aspirations of some kind (god knows there are enough to choose from) and decide to change your life. You bid the elderly relative 'begone'! You slam shut the doors to the den of iniquity that was your erstwhile 'home sweet home', thus shutting out the base desires of a salivating public, a seething mass that once waited only on your favours to sate themselves in the ugliest fashion known to man or beast. Venus the goddess moves into Cancer and you begin a program of domestic beautification. This includes making your bed, washing the dishes (impressive for you) and heaving out the social garbage of pimps, poodle-fakers and pretenders that were once your allies on the path of unbridled hedonism.
As Venus the goddess conjoins with Saturn, favoured by Mars and Uranus, you sit alone in your home, praying for the guidance that will lead you along the right path. And it comes at the Full Moon, little ovine addlepates! As Lady Moon shines brightly in lugubrious Capricorn, you decide to get a job and earn an honest living. Great gods, little nitwits! You may actually decide to have a career. As Venus opposes Chiron, you consult a therapist or a shaman to purge the pain of your Oedipus complex and thus prepare yourself for a new life of honest work. As Mercury the messenger then opposes nasty Neptune, you conceive a mighty plan. You'll found a religious recreation centre and become the sports and entertainment director thereof.
As the great Sol Invicti enters loathsome Leo and meddlesome Mercury conjoins with Jupiter, you sell your home to purchase a country estate, already littered with the cottages and outhouses to accommodate the good folk who will come there to play quoits for Christ and other jolly games. Come the New Moon in vapid Leo, you open the gates to a veritable flood of the healthy, the irritating and the brainless who've come to play and pray at your establishment, waving their deposits in your direction. It looks as though success has come at last, that is until mighty Mars turns retrograde in snivelling Pisces while Mercury the messenger enters neurotic Virgo.
You look about you aghast as the ancient plumbing erupts into a paroxysm of leaks and creaks that turns your mind instantly to the possibility of water sports. You reach in panic for your cell phone to call the nearest plumber but said object floats away on a tide of foul-smelling effluent. An evil hand snatches the loot you've received from your feeble grasp! Goodness me, little ovine addlepates! Is this the end of 'star jumps for Jesus' and the holiday camp? The sane among us can only hope so, but in a benighted world ruled by insane gods, who knows! Click here next month and we shall see.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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