Tally ho and yoicks, nasty little ram type thingies! Doubtless, you're on the horns of a dilemma, stamping haughty hoofs and seeing red no matter which way you turn, as grim Saturn rolls through loathsome Libra in a manner that would curdle milk at a thousand paces, or depress the Laughing Policeman. And, that's not the end of the matter as dark Pluto, lord of the underworld, lies in wait in the gloomy sign of the Goat to ambush the ruler of old age and death. Thus will you find that those close to you and those in power or authority will conspire to bully, to control and so determine the measure of your days, binding you, ordering you about and generally making life more of a misery than it is already.
In addition to all of these indignities, in dastardly December marauding Mars slams into perverse reverse, causing your barbecue to explode at a delicate social moment, spraying chops, sausages and cheaper cuts of steak into the air. You'll be assailed by Spanish artists, fall from a vehicle playing war games or find yourself on the receiving end of vile buffeting by male persons.
The New Year 2010 will only make things worse as you explode with rage, hurl ineffectual abuse at nasty authority or stage a turgid drama, based on your tragic life that no one bothers to attend. As jolly Jupiter slides into tear-stained Pisces, you'll confront secrets from your ghastly past that everyone will laugh at, you'll cultivate an addiction to imported alcohol or lollies or you will masquerade as a spiritual teacher until an elderly police officer arrests you for deception.
Fractured February sees cranky Chiron and narcotic Neptune in coitus, crass and coarse yet perversely radical, and a friend engages with you in an exciting and unusual sexual position that you sadly forget instanter because of inebriation (Neptune) in extremis.
Marauding Mars lurches forward in manic March, seeing you take up again lessons in ballet or Spanish dance but, as awful April sees ghastly Saturn re-enter (eek) vexatious Virgo, you'll become critically ill or just critical. There will be discontent over dosh, as mischievous Mercury turns about face, waggling his cheeks lasciviously in tragic Taurus. Thus cruelly beset, it is the merry month of May turns your world on its ovine ear, ghastly worshippers of a god named Baa.
'Eek', 'egad', 'gadzooks' and other ejaculations of surprise and alarm, it's Uranus, idiot god, rampaging into your fiery sign. This, instanter, causes you to caper all unseemly and speak in tongues, arousing you (erk) with an inspiration that will become the single greatest strategy for success you'll ever conceive for yourself (one of your ambitions) or chance upon. O my woolly whingers, with a precision preternaturally astonishing due to the smallness of the target, a bolt of lightning strikes your brain, shorting the TV, charging one solar panel for a decade and illuminating the area around you for a radius of one hundred metres. Amid these pyrotechnics, a globe of enlightenment flares brightly in the largely unoccupied terrain of your thick skull and you see the light! Eureka! As everyone hates you and is cruel, all you have to do is become someone else, a likeable, easygoing person with friends and a history of personal achievement, especially constructed to serve this deception.
What do you think, little toddling folk? After all, you love a challenge and this surely is one! There you'll be in some possible future, stripped of belligerence, your nasty little horns, your smelly fleece and all things red, but the payoff is you'll be smooth, diplomatic, at ease among your fellows and lauded for your personable nature. Great Caesar's ghost, never in a million years would anyone have predicted this!
By the giggling of gods insane, there's further golden ointment to be squeezed from the tube of Heaven, as jolly Jupiter, crapulous and extravagant lord of fortune, burns into your fiery sign, bringing a lift in status or with money, opportunities for travel, academic achievement, promotion or court appearances for something other than traffic offences. It's all too good to be true, little tweeting types!
As the slaphappy Solstice brings the Sun into Cancer, you use your newfound wealth or position to purchase a new family, one that actually likes you (or is paid to do so), as part of the deception. You hire experts to advise you on clothing, conduct and coiffure so that, by awful August, you'll be ready to be a new 'you'! Great farting camels and masticating monkeys, how will it go? As I'm exhausted, beset by ennui and very bored, I will return to the comforts of my little brown bottle and silver tube, leaving you to wonder until next time. Ave!