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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of October 2003    Go Forward
    Hail to thee, ovine tragedies, one and all! Greetings for the month of ominous October! Last time we left you in a Stockholm zoo, weary, bedraggled and the object of unwelcome attention from the local citizenry. Some might argue you've thus found your niche and are best left alone to ponder the devices of incarceration! But leaving you alone is a thing I am duty bound to never do!

    Doubtless you're wondering what in the name of all the great gods alive and dead are the vile and bitter prognostications for this month? Well, as I happen to know them (because I made them up), I'll tell you!

    Sadly, little happens to worsen your situation at first but then the great Sol Invicti wrestles with sober Saturn and cranky Chiron and you begin to feel depressed under the constant gaze of others. You demand counselling in your cage. As Mercury the messenger moves to Libra, a sickening individual who purports to understand how everyone feels about everything sits with you and says 'I agree' and 'I know' in response to each utterance you make. I believe this is called therapy and is entirely useless in the real world. But as you're always taken in by those who appear to agree and sympathize with you, you start to feel better anyway.

    As Venus the goddess is now in Scorpio, the zoo authorities hire sex-workers to attend to your needs, the Swedes being a pragmatic folk. By the time the Full Moon comes in your sign, you're feeling uplifted despite the current confines. Mercury then clashes with cranky Chiron and sober Saturn and all manner of experts from various disciplines of health, biology and anthropology come to study you. As you love being the centre of attention and as you're drugged for these examinations (jolly Jupiter and Venus the goddess clashing with nasty Neptune), they seem at first enjoyable. However, when the great Sol Invicti and Mercury move into odious Scorpio, bringing a New Moon in that unspeakable sign, the constant probing begins to tell on your nerves. You become morbidly unhappy, biting your keepers, attempting sexual assault on anyone who comes near and developing chronic diarrhea.

    As sober Saturn begins moving backwards (if anyone can tell the difference, do notify the proper authorities), you become even more depressed. But, great Heavens, Ram-type imbeciles! The worst is yet to come! Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune and you have fainting fits and visions! You roll about the floor of your cage screaming 'I am not an animal' and suchlike phrases. You become disoriented and prophesy a catastrophic future for this benighted universe ruled by insane gods.

    Welcome to the club, ovine tragedies! It must be comforting to know you're right about something for once in your life, even if you aren't conscious at the time. Click here next month and see if anyone takes an interest in your ghastly oracular utterances! And, by the way, happy Halloween!

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