Asperitus Casting Runes...
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What's that I hear? Could it be the pitter-patter of tiny hooves and the clatter of ugly little horns? Then it must be rambunctious, trotting up for another dose of vile and bitter prognostications. In this instance, it is designated dosage for dreadful December!
As I appear to have overslept at the end of nasty November, due to gruesome eclipses and suchlike cosmic woes, I shall begin by briefly recounting those early incidents that may still be germane, then press ahead. Mischievous Mercury entered miserable Capricorn, causing you to have depressing converse with elderly persons about their infirmities. Vamping Venus opposed lugubrious Saturn, parting fools and money with unseemly haste (your preferred velocity) and making you feel unloved, a condition to which you are, by nature, accustomed.
Thus, at the Full Moon in addlepate Gemini, you pour out your troubles to a fellow passenger on your highjacked jet. As this heart-rending baring of your maidenly bosom (in the figurative sense) is followed by the usual postscript of a request for sex (given the dire circumstances), a torrent of verbal abuse is the response. This is delivered in a foreign tongue by a powerfully built individual with a swarthy complexion, an event due to the great Sol Invicti's union with underworld Pluto in your solar third house.
As the aforementioned luminary body then performs ghastly cosmic contortions with jolly Jupiter as well, your plane is flown to a remote location on Crete, making you temporarily at least, an honorary Cretan. In the scream of landing jets, the highjackers disembark the abductees and marauding Mars enters your sign. Thus, the moment your feet touch the ground, you hit everyone within reach, seize the leader of the terrorist band in an iron grip and head for the hills.
As the great Sol Invicti enters miserable Capricorn and Venus vamps into lunatic Aquarius, the wild hill tribes there adopt you as their own. You quickly take a lover or two under the auspices of tension between marauding Mars and vamping Venus. As mischievous Mercury is retrograde and clashing with lugubrious Saturn, you enter a complex negotiation with the terrorist leader in order to seek freedom and a return ticket home.
However, this endeavour fails, largely because you can't understand each other. You throw an almighty tantrum, hurling curses at the universe, an outburst the wild hill folk mistake for a primitive religious rite. Thus, in a tide of ghastly aspects at the New Moon in miserable Capricorn, they name you leader and shaman.
Thus we find you sitting down to Christmas dinner in the outlands of Crete, having spent the morning performing feats of strength and sexual prowess among your people, with intermittent outbursts of cursing. As idiot Uranus moves back to tearful Pisces while retrograde Mercury re-enters Sagittarius, you accept your fate as outcast and outlaw in a foreign land. However, as marauding Mars clashes with lugubrious Saturn at the death of the old year, we find you mustering the tribe to swear terrible revenge on those who have wronged you.
What that may be, little things of tragedy and ire, we shall discover next month. In the meantime, let me say farewell before I pass out from the excruciating boredom of it all.
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 Aries, the Ram
 Taurus, the Bull
 Gemini, the Twins
 Cancer, the Crab
 Leo, the Lion
 Virgo, the Virgin
 Libra, the Scales
 Scorpio, the Scorpion
 Sagittarius, the Archer
 Capricorn, the Sea Goat
 Aquarius, the Water Bearer
 Pisces, the Fishes
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