Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, odious ovine ones! How are your rambunctious horns and smelly hoofs? All revved up to race into 2004? Then let us proceed without further ado to the vile and bitter prognostications thereof!
With marauding Mars in your sign as the year begins, you'll be driving about in your red Ferrari, making rude gestures at every hapless driver on the road. However, as Mars clashes with lugubrious Saturn in your solar fourth house, your parents will chastise you, lecture you about irresponsible behaviour and take away your car keys. You will thus fly into a temper and leave home. You then steal a motorboat and thread your way through the backwaters of the river system to a remote location. This aquatic experience is doubtless due to the machinations of eccentric Uranus in Pisces and your solar twelfth house.
With jolly Jupiter in irritating Virgo, you take work as a shepherd in a rural backwater, with the usual cast of cow-pats and in-breds thrown in. However, with mischievous Mercury retrograde in idiot Sagittarius and your solar ninth house, you frolic in the hills with the sheep, oblivious to a subtle air of menace lurking all around. You're oblivious to anything subtle, as a rule. You form intimate relationships with your flock and learn to tell a Coopworth from a Suffolk and a Perendale from a Drysdale. You give them all pet names such as 'Rosy' and Pepper' but call two of the more imposing members of this new troupe of friends 'mummy' and 'daddy', giving the more thoughtful among us genuine cause for concern about your family experience.
However, at the odious eclipse of the New Moon in your sign, mentally defective locals gather to eject you from their pastures. They beat you up, insult you and leave you to wander naked and raving in the wilderness. Dreadful things happen to you after this but I can't be bothered recounting what they are. However, much later on as jolly Jupiter enters Libra, a passing stranger picks you up in a limousine and it's love at first sight, little ram type things! And sex soon after, which is just the way you like it!
By my little brown bottle, it certainly is! Your new partner offers to marry you and make you a star, as she/he is in show business and see a quality in you that has eluded the rest of us so far. However, she/he is as good as their word and suddenly, a year that began badly turns out well. You just never know with life, do you! Personally, I doubt if anyone gets what they deserve and wonder if there is any justice at all except by accident. Ta! Ta!