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    Go Back  The Jittery Journeys of April 2004  Go Forward
    Hola, scrofulous offspring of the bellicose war god, marauding Mars! Though, of course, you might ask what else would a war god be but bellicose! However, we shall not go down that road as an IQ larger than an inside leg measurement is required for any meaningful debate and, thus, I would only be talking to myself (which is all I do anyway in my view). Sigh! Let us then press ahead with the vile and bitter prognostications, in this instance for the month of awkward April.

    And here they are! Last time we left you as king of all you surveyed, leading the hill tribes of Crete and threatening to expand your domain. However, as mischievous Mercury enters cloddish Taurus and vamping Venus moves into idiot Gemini, you find your subjects begin making requests for financial support and petitioning you for improved public transport. The Full Moon comes in fatuous Libra while marauding Mars clashes with jolly Jupiter and various diplomatic liaisons arrive to negotiate the terms of your ‘peace through war’ plan. Mercury then adds insult to injury by turning retrograde, giving you a headache with all this talk.

    As Vamping Venus clashes with eccentric Uranus, you look around in frustration for someone to hit or have sex with or both. As cranky Chiron clashes with the great Sol Invicti and Mercury moves back into your sign, you proposition a sombre individual from a foreign legation only to find she/he takes considerable offence and threatens to assail you with the sorcerous powers she/he possesses. As the great Sol Invicti, Mercury and Chiron all cavort in unseemly fashion, an ugly row ensues, during the course of which you stamp away, claiming unconcern about this arrant magical piffle as a disturbing curse is cast at your retreating figure.

    And what’s this, little odiferous ovines? Why it’s one in the eye for you! The New Moon in your lunatic sign brings a solar eclipse and you awake, sweat soaked from a nightmare sleep to find yourself imprisoned in a dank underground chamber, bound by this evil sorcerer. Great gods alive and dead, little twerps of the fleece! Sorcery’s at work! Marauding Mars clashes with underworld Pluto and you’re thrashed and beaten by the unspeakably painful lashes of a hundred unnameable demons under the direction of the sorcerous one. Vamping Venus follows suit and you’re tortured with a thousand sexual perversions, many of which are entirely new to you.

    But that’s not the worst thing, my little nitwit ninnies. No, not by a long chalk! The worst thing is how much you enjoy it all! Click here next month and see if the boundaries of pleasure and pain will dissolve altogether as you thrash around in the clutches of this ill-natured necromancer. Oh, by the way! April fool!

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