Great Heavens, little dimwits! Last time we left you in a precarious position! In fact, you were moving down a road we commonly call 'the better part of valour', known in some circles as 'discretion'. However, since these are not the circles you commonly move in and, indeed, since the mention of the word 'discretion' may cause you to reach for the dictionary (were you actually to possess one), we shall content ourselves with describing your action as 'running away'.
Nasty terrorist types invited you to join their savage band. You refused after having become alarmed and despondent at the prospect of injury to your person and vicious jibes being made about your character and appearance by persons inimical to their revolutionary cause. Thus you ran home and hid under the bed, a position where many (myself included) would be happy to leave you.
But what's this? By my little brown bottle, the vile and bitter prognostications for savage September have other plans, little ram type twerps! So let us consult them forthwith! Mischievous Mercury is retrograde in Leo as the month begins and you briefly contemplate returning to your career in street theatre in between cold sweats and quick dashes to either the refrigerator or the toilet. However, as Mercury moves forward, you decide against this. With vamping Venus in Leo, you content yourself with dressing in red underwear and dancing in front of the mirror, making threatening noises and talking like Robert de Niro in Taxi Driver.
Preoccupied in this fashion (so typical of your obsessions), you fail to notice the gathering storm. The trouble of course begins with the sickening antics of marauding Mars and underworld Pluto as they grapple in unseemly fashion. Terrorists gather at your windows and doors, keen to exact revenge for your graceless rejection of their offer. They rattle the bolts and bang on the windows, jeering at you in a guttural and bearded manner. They gesture obscenely, waving torn and bloody fleeces in the oddly stained fingers of their left hands.
You panic, my little things of gnarled horn! You run around the rooms of your home, falling over and banging your head quite frequently. Then, as a New Moon catches marauding Mars and the great Sol Invicti in the ghastly intricacies of anal Virgo, you hatch a cunning plan. You decide there and then to flee your domicile, intent upon beginning a new life elsewhere. And so you do. With the aid of a water pistol and the red pedal car of your childhood, your burst through the ranks of these unmannerly folk, leaving them helpless (with laughter perhaps) on the pavement as you fly up the street towards the nearest water course. There you steal a boat and paddle to the countryside in search of a rural refuge where you may rest, restore your shattered spirit and, of course, play with your private parts until such time as you can find someone to relieve you of that seemingly endless burden.
This eccentric course of action comes under the influence of mischievous Mercury and idiot Uranus, and a raft of ghastly planets too tedious to name. Suffice it to say your plan is successful, as simple plans so often are. Fortunate for you really, this business about simple plans, should one deign to consider the matter in any depth! So there you are, my fleecy dimwits! Meandering through the backwaters of a rustic setting, wondering what on earth you will do without traffic lights to inform you when to stop and when to go whilst driving very fast.
Suddenly, there's a grinding noise! Almost a kind of clanking of a cosmic kind! You look up, for 'up' indeed is where it's happening! It's the Equinox, that's what it is, my tiny lunatics! The great Sol Invicti moves into inane Libra, dragging in his ugly wake jolly Jupiter and marauding Mars. And, as if it's ordained by such fates as are at work in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods, a figure stands on the road before you as your house of partnership is vigorously activated. This, my little 'baa' lambs, is a fateful encounter. 'Come' says this fascinating figure, 'and I will teach you things about sheep you never knew!' You quiver. You shake! And, as the Full Moon comes in your own idiotic sign, you say 'yes' to the destiny that is unfolding before your very eyes and ears. Terrorists are forgotten! Street theatre is a thing of the past! Once again you awake to your destiny on the path of ovine wisdom.
Click here next month and see if this new companion will give you sex on demand and if Ovinity can bring, at last, the peace that passes understanding.