Greetings, tiny imbeciles! I know I'm late with the forecast but persons of your type should be made to wait for everything as the discipline of irritation clearly has much to teach you. With that out of the way, let's get on with the vile and bitter prognostications for doleful December while a few miserable moments of the month still remain to us.
First, I shall update you on what has already occurred. Mischievous Mercury turned retrograde in loony Sagittarius and you revived two classic masterworks you had written (with your very own crayons) back in the days of yore. These were the 'THE MEANING OF SHEEP & THE SEARCH FOR OVINITY' and the darker, more radical 'LAMBA SUTRA'. Since the busy messenger went backwards in hard aspect to miserable Saturn, you instantly found a publisher who believed he could make money from re-issuing this tripe. Alas, your parents expressed disapproval for this and, indeed, their contempt for you and everything you do (yet again). Thus, they cut you from the will, leaving everything to your brother (the one they say you should be more like). They also changed the locks at the family manse and sent stills of you from the pornographic movie you once made to your old teachers, classmates and disgruntled ex-partners.
All this took place under the auspices of ghastly planets rutting in the gutters of Heaven, as one could only expect. However, they are too tedious to name and we shall not mention their shenanigans again. A New Moon comes in lunatic Sagittarius and you have discussions with your publisher on the reissue of your masterworks. He thinks they need something special to spice them up. And then, by all the gods alive and dead, you have a brilliant idea! You'll do a music dvd on the mystic paths of Ovinity, to coincide with the release of your books. You decide upon the old hit 'I KNOW I'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER EWE', a catchy tune that sums up the inner sense of loss as humankind has fallen away from the paths of sheep to rage in wilds, as the poet has it.
You record yourself singing off-key and cavorting in sheepskin while munching the grass and making pagan imprecations to several ancient earth goddesses whose bizarre natures and practices render them unmentionable in polite society. Mischievous Mercury moves direct and the great release is due. Heaven clatters with the rasp of cosmic gears as the great Sol Invicti grinds into miserable Capricorn to bring another gloomy Solstice to the world at large.
Have a cool Yule, ram type things! The Lunar Nodes move to arrogant Aries (your own sign, tiny nitwits) and loony Libra! Marauding Mars (your own dear planet) thrusts his armature into silly Sagittarius! You run a marketing campaign for the books and the dvd as ideal Christmas gifts. These execrable items are displayed in virtual shopping malls across the globe, amid a nativity scene that has you as Virgin Mary, baby Jesus and Joseph the carpenter as well, while three wise sheep and three local sheep come, bearing gifts. As Lady Moon waxes to the Full in neurotic Cancer, the machines of the worldwide banking conspiracy run hot with this latest Christmas purchase! You're a millionaire and more, my tiny imbeciles, as dvd and LAMBA SUTRA in particular sell like gas masks at the bean-eaters picnic.
Ye gods and little fishes, I wonder how the human race can bear the shame of it! Truly this is a benighted universe ruled by insane gods! As marauding Mars then clashes with Uranus, the idiot god, you set forth from the safety of your rural paradise, with your new beloved and your sheep in tow in a private jet, ready to tour the world and teach the wisdom of Ovinity. By my little brown bottle, I'm feeling ill and must rest. Click here next month to see what nasty fate may befall you and upset the apple cart of your life. In the meantime, sing several choruses of 'auld lang syne' and give thanks for a turn of fortune, entirely unmerited. Farewell, unspeakable ovines!