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    Go Back  The Sublime Irritations of January 2005  Go Forward
    What ho, tiny battering twerps! Welcome to the depredations of jittery January and the vile and bitter prognostications pertaining thereto. You may recall from last time that you are now a world expert on sheep, as you are indeed on every subject upon which you hold forth, in your own mind at least. And, as a world expert on sheep, you are touring the globe, holding forth on the wisdom of Ovinity while in the company of your very own private jet, your very own sheep and your very own new beloved. Please note that these are not necessarily listed in their natural order of importance to you, though the one used could be close.

    Mischievous Mercury, vamping Venus and underworld Pluto all conjoin as the month begins, bringing you into contact with persons of the foreign persuasion who, no doubt due to language difficulties, are suitably impressed by what you say and believe you to be a person of intellect and importance. And, in fact, one person in particular with swarthy skin and flashing eyes comes to your attention. As irritating planetary presences then shift their nuisance value to miserable Capricorn, bringing a New Moon in that odious sign, this person claims to be ready to make an offer you cannot refuse.

    Great gods alive and dead, little idiot things! What could it be? Sex! Money! Adulation! You have all those and more now you're a famous teacher of Ovinity with a best-selling book, dvd and a hit single called I KNOW I'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER EWE. Still, your appetites have so far proved the closest thing to a bottomless pit that may be found this side of the river Styx! Lugubrious Saturn grinds the gears of Heaven with underworld Pluto and the swarthy, flashing-eyed stranger lays the offer on the table.

    You are asked to take up residence in an ovine paradise in a foreign land, with property and money at your disposal as raindrops in a sun shower are at the disposal of flowers. There you will be wise (perhaps there's something in the water that will help) and write further works on Ovinity. Truly, this will be the shelter and sanctuary for the Ovine wisdom of the ages and you will be its Source, my tiny dithering dunces!

    Gadzooks! What can I say! You will be wealthy, famous and respected beyond any or all of the expectations those who love you (yourself alone) could reasonably or even unreasonably hold! The great Sol Invicti conjoins with cranky Chiron then creaks into idiot Aquarius and you say a resounding 'yes' on behalf of your jet, your sheep, your new beloved and, of course, yourself. The Full Moon blazes in loathsome Leo as marauding Mars, jolly Jupiter and underworld Pluto cavort in gleeful aspect.

    Tally ho, little yoicks! You jet away to this new rural paradise, a veritable Arcadia even more beautiful than the one you left behind (though you still own the other one and instruct your agent to lease out the grazing rights). You are a cult leader and wisdom teacher like unto no other who has ever led cults or taught wisdom before. You have love, sheep and jet planes!

    Ye gods, little ram type obscenities! Have all your dreams come true? Or is there a dark nightmare waiting in the shadows of the forest of this new Arcadia? Click here next month and see! Ta! Ta!

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