Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, rambunctious! How's the newfound bucolic bliss? Does every leaf and twig caught in each twist of fleece in each one of your wondrous sheep come to mean more and more to you everyday as you recline in the idyllic splendour of your country retreat? Oh horror! Thirty-eight words without a full stop! I will have lost most of you already, given your lamentable attention span and your basic incomprehension of sentences that don't revolve around the word 'I'. Perhaps your sheep are reading this with interest while you yourself have gone out to graze in pastures new. Oh well, I do prefer a readership with an IQ that registers on something a little more expansive than the Richter Scale. On with the vile prognostications!
Awful August greets the ram in a manner somewhat akin to that of most of those who know you bumptious butters well, grim distaste! It's fortunate that no amount of criticism or disdain ever seems to dull the brilliant fire of your self-belief. Sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward begins the month in Gemini and your solar third house, squaring up against underworld Pluto in Sagittarius and your solar ninth house. After deciding not to do a second draft of your masterwork, 'The Meaning of Sheep & the Search for Ovinity' as you feel the first one is absolutely brilliant, it becomes the subject of a bidding war between rival publishers. A one-eyed elderly gentleman with an artificial limb (Saturn in Gemini) wants it as the first in a new line of romance novels for retired farming persons. However, a consortium of Middle Eastern businesspersons (Pluto in Sagittarius) wants to underwrite it as a tax loss to launder the funds from their illicit arms trade. They start throwing money in your direction so enjoy the bidding war, rambunctious.
By the FULL MOON on August 4th, you'll be rolling in indolent luxury as the one-eyed makes havoc among the many-armed. Giant Jupiter, monarch of the Heavens and Venus the goddess conjoin in Cancer and your solar fourth house the day after Lady Moon comes to her brilliant best. It's treats and luxuries for the little ram and all of her/his charming friends. You have both of them round to dinner at your country manse that evening and eat yourself silly on sweetmeats while smoking copious quantities of the evil sheep dung. This is all to do with tensions between the great Sol Invicti, Lady Moon, Mercury the messenger and mystic Neptune, but you'd hardly be interested in that so I'll continue with this fatuous tale and leave out the difficult bits.
By August 10th when Mercury the messenger opposes revolutionary Uranus, animal liberation groups around the world take up your tome on sheep, making you an instant celebrity in the world of tree-huggers and the insanely compassionate. Despite the fact that your natural cruelty to everything less powerful than you are has not diminished one iota, you're prepared to accept fame and money without compunction, especially if there's lots of sex involved. By August 14th when Mercury the messenger moves into Virgo and your solar sixth house, you begin bathing and cleaning yourself obsessively in readiness for the onslaught of tree-hugging groupies and start to plan a sequel to your first success entitled 'The Handbook of Sheep'. You don't yet know what it's going to be about but why let ignorance spoil a good thing! It's never stopped you before.
However, when a mysterious astrological configuration known as the finger of god points its way into your life on August 18th, the power of Ovinity strikes you down while you're driving the Ferrari around your paddocks. It sends you into a trance whereby you meet the Sheep Mother, an awesome creature from legend you've never heard of before because you can't be bothered reading anything other than comics and the sports page. When the NEW MOON comes on August 19th, you cast aside the trappings of your old life, die the fleeces of your entire flock blood red and begin to dress in sheep's clothing. Forgotten are the groupies and the million dollar advances from warring publishing concerns. When the great Sol Invicti moves into Virgo and your solar sixth house, and mighty Mars conjoins with Chiron the wounded healer in Sagittarius, you declare war on a sheep-abusing world. The Ram becomes a terrorist for the lamb! On August 27th, when Mercury the messenger tussles with mighty Mars and Chiron and Venus the goddess enters Leo, you name yourself the defender of sheep and launch your quest to recover the sacred fleece from it's hiding place in the Greek Isles. It's supposed to be the Golden Fleece, but really you'd prefer it to be red so that it would make a stylish seat cover for your Ferrari.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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