Great barking lunatics and wittering wimps, my saucy knaves, my tiny ovine things! I expect you think I've been neglecting you, my ghastly types! And I have! One of the rare occasions when you are right!
Last month, I ignored you entirely as I was overcome with a variety of afflictions, ranging from alienation through complete and utter disinterest and ending with the old favourite, creeping ennui. Thus did I fail to rise from my bed of woe! Yet I swore I would be out of this slough of despond in time for malevolent May. As you can see, I've come reasonably close to the projected deadline, give or take a fortnight.
As a matter of fact, I did briefly become conscious as the month began (ugh). I had intended to study the May Day celebrations with a view to seeing if I could grasp the concept of work. However, the very idea of it rendered me unconscious, whereupon I fell back between the sheets with Morphia as my solace. And, of course, with a little brown bottle and that lovely silver tube to make up an acceptable foursome!
Now, in the blink of an eye, I find the month is running out at an alarming pace but you have had no words of wisdom to ensure your life will be more wretched than it would be were you to live it unassisted. Prepare yourselves, little loonies! The gap between your ears will soon be filled with prognostications of a vile and bitter nature. The Heavens hurl brickbats at you thick and fast, which, come to think of it, is a fair description of you!
Thus, in an effort to keep up, we shall insert (eek) a tiny hindcast into the proceedings then leap to ride the rollercoaster of the last days of malevolent May. A Full Moon in evil Scorpio was first cab off the rank and you had too much sex, spent too much money and irritated persons more powerful than you. After that, a raft of ghastly planets farted in nasty aspect, creating delays, malaise, confusion and despair. As vamping Venus then sleazed her way into neurotic Cancer, you stayed at home, emptying the refrigerator and moaning about your appalling childhood and hideous family and antecedents. As mischievous Mercury then moved into agile and perverted Gemini, superficial persons kept ringing you and telling you to do stupid things like 'grow up', 'get a proper job' and 'stop blaming everyone else for your troubles'. However, as jolly Jupiter conjoined in a frenzy of insane decadence with Uranus, the idiot god, you preferred to stay at home and indulge in drug and sugar-besotted fantasies about being someone important! Snigger!
That brings us up to date. But what's this! By my sainted aunt! We return to the present and are greeted by a horror so horrible that no horror that ever before occurred was anywhere near as horrible as this. And what horror is this, I hear you cry? Well, I'll tell you! It's marauding Mars, bullying and battering his belligerent way into your appalling sign. By all the gods alive and dead! The next six weeks will be fraught with bellowing, belching, flying fists and obscenities, and lots of farting as well. In the unlikely event that a heavenwards petition will have any effect, may the insane gods have mercy on the rest of us! And mercy will be needed, dropping as a gentle rain from Heaven in a most unstrained form!
As a New Moon comes in cloddish Taurus, you review your impecunious condition and find it wanting. You decide to take to the streets and threaten to bash people unless they give you money. And then, enthralled by this marvellous conceit, you further think you might bash them whether money changes hands or not, just because you feel like it. By all the gods, you are a fearsome thing when roused, my little ram type twerps! As mischievous Mercury misbehaves with the Loony Nodes and the great Sol Invicti leers arrogantly into perverted Gemini, you thrash and flail angrily along the public byways, especially those inhabited by frail, infirm persons that have issues with personal confidence. Rows and screaming erupt as you demand money with menaces.
But, ye gods and little fishes, it doesn't go as planned. Nay, indeed, as the horse god used to say! Elderly persons hurl their crutches at you, try to electrocute you with their pacemakers or spit nasty little pink pills in your general direction, in desperate self-defence against your heartless marauding. Passing cars honk nastily at you and several members of your family (who just happen to be passing) begin talking loudly about childhood bed-wetting and other such embarrassments. As mischievous Mercury slithers into neurotic Cancer, the tables are turned and you begin to snivel and whine in that ghastly manner so familiar to all that know you.
But what's this? Great Caesar's ghost, I can't believe it! A shining being magically appears as jolly Jupiter penetrates the nether regions of cranky Chiron. A radiant mystic being comes to lift you up just as you are cast down. By my little brown bottle, what does this mean? Click here next time and see, nasty things of smelly fleece! Ave!