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The Jaded Japes of May 2008

Greetings, tiny ovines! May your malodorous hoofs keep you safe upon life's twisted path and may your nasty little fleeces shelter you from life's storms! Mischievous Mercury skitters into lunatic Gemini, colliding with grim Saturn and you bump into elderly or infirm people who are more depressed than you. The horror show planet of old age, bad teeth and death grinds forward in griping Virgo and you realize you'll have to get a job and go to the doctor, as you're broke and unwell.

A ghastly New Moon comes in cloddish Taurus, you take work (eek) to earn money (aargh). However, as narcotic Neptune puts in his cosmic oar (ugh), you develop an interest in faith healing (it's cheaper than regulation healthcare) and find a healer brave enough to come within your vicinity and perform the requisite service. As you tend to hit those who displease you (especially if they're smaller and weaker), this is a brave healer indeed. With the hands laid on, you have an astounding spiritual experience and, as Mars rolls into lackwit Leo, you dance about like an affected loony. You meet new friends, behave eccentrically and pretend to have the gift of tongues.

But, by the time a Full Moon comes in evil Scorpio, your new friends are tired of your odious company and pay you to go away and not come back. The great Sol Invicti rolls into nitwit Gemini and you buy a new car with the money but, as grim Saturn then gropes the vain and selfish Sun god, you instanter have an accident. Mischievous Mercury rolls into perverse reverse and you write a book in tongues only to realize no one will be able to understand it. Thus, you give up faith-healing and sit around and sulk. Farewell, malodorous ovines! Toodle pip and all that!

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